A Boy's Day Out!

Yesterday was Labor Day. The last hoorah for the summer, and the signal that the serious business of the school year is at hand. Those of you that are or have a spouse that is a teacher understand the meaning of my statement. No more truly lazy days until the Christmas break, just lesson plans, meetings, homework and bedtimes for school days. In my case, this means coming home after working a night shift to help wake the boys and coax them into getting ready in time to not be late for school, or going to pick the boys up after school because Nicole has to stay late for a meeting.

In all though, I can't complain.

I will tell you, after working 32 hours over the weekend, the last thing that sounds fun to me is making plans for an outing on Monday. I'm fried from the long shifts and sleep deprived due to having to function during the day and sleep at night. Nicole, was not having any of that.

My darling wife was on a mission. WE were going to do something with the boys this Labor Day. (I really think that it had more to do with trying to snap me out of my funk) "We need to do something cool."

I have to hand it to Nicole. She knows what will peek the boys and I's interest. I love history. Seth has gotten bitten by the same bug. I can lose myself for hours in a museum. I just have to read everything and see every exhibit. The boys aren't quite as committed to the details, but they love to see the antiques and the weapons. And if the exhibits are about a war or battle, so much the better. They LOVE IT! Well, it was decided by the time that I got home after my weekend, that we were going to see the Alamo. The boys were super excited. Now I haven't been to the Alamo in at least 12 years, so I was game. Once I managed to wake up, that is....

What fun! The boys were so well behaved. I say boys, not all of the boys, just Seth and Riley. Luke, I am finding, as a 14 year old, can't be seen with the likes of Mom, Dad an brothers. I am having a lot of trouble with this. It's as if we are a family of 4.

4.

It turns out, that the program "Haunted Histories" that Nicole and the boys watch on Sunday's just happened to have San Antonio and the features city. I had to ask Nicole why I noticed the boys looking around the Alamo in a worried manner. "They are on the look out for the ghosts of the Alamo" she whispered and smiled. The show had spoken of the stories of the defenders of the Alamo haunting the Texas Shrine. What a HOOT! We were outside getting ready to go, when a nice man in a "Texican" costume approached us. It seems that one of the businesses on the grounds of the battlefield had done an archaeological dig on their property and had decided to turn their business into a mini-museum complete with a scale model of the Alamo as it was in 1836. He was advertising the museum dressed like a Texan of 1836, complete with a Bowie knife. I asked if the boys could take a picture with him, you should have seen Riley's face when the gentleman pulled out his Bowie Knife for the picture! It was priceless!

All in all, a very enjoyable, inexpensive outing! Good job Nicole!

I think that the thing that I find the hardest about losing Greyson is the "what ifs". I found myself thinking of Grey constantly. Nicole was too. I knew she was when, in the gift shop, she mentioned to me that we needed to find a Star tree ornament for the Christmas tree. I have been lost since the start of the school year. Stupidly, I thought that I have been concealing this fact from Nicole. I really believed that I was keeping it together for the most part.

WRONG!

After we got home, I happened to mention to Nicole that she hasn't been as affectionate as she is usually. I should have not said that! She has been very upset that I haven't been able to find my way out the "funk" that I have been in since we got back from going to Buffalo, NY. She said that I have been irritable, snapping at her and the boys, no fun, not smiling, unable to get anything done to help out at the house, etc, etc. And if I was wanting affection, should snap out of it and be "normal" so that I encourage affection........

Again.

I have been neglecting the things that are most important. Leaving the woman that I love alone to hold the wolves at bay. I have abandoned her and the boys. I have made things worse for myself and the ones I love.

Boy. I need to man up and give Nicole and the boys what they need, me. Not sad me, happy, loving me. Help me Greyson, I can't remember how to be happy, how to breath without pain.

Wrapping My Mind Around It....

It is approaching.

It is only 7 days away.

I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around it. I have never been one of those people that dreads a particular day of the week, month or year. I never gave it much thought. In the past I have always found myself shaking my head at people complaining about the day that they hate.

I'm not shaking my head anymore. Every month, on the 12th day, I relive hell on earth. I dread it's coming, and once here, I don't want it to pass. It's going to be 9 months this time. SHIT! 9 months.

I keep trying to tell myself lately that I just need to force my mind to see it another way. I need to remind myself how Greyson would be suffering if he was still here. That his smiles would be gone by now and he wouldn't be able to respond to us anymore. His spirit was amazing, but it too would have sub come to the ravages of Krabbes Disease. His spirit could no more have continued to overcome his disease than I could keep him here. Isn't this hole in my heart worth knowing that he died on his terms, still able to smile and give kisses?

Yes.

I have been torturing myself pretty relentlessly lately.

Going over each and every step and action that we took with Greyson, every decision that we made and the results.

And I have come to the same conclusion that I do every time. I would do everything exactly the SAME! I would not change a THING!

I admit, I have cursed myself because of this conclusion. How can I be so selfish as to not want to prevent Greyson's suffering?

I keep coming up with the same answer. I needed him in my life.

I like who I am now because of him.

Yes, I hate hurting!

Yes, I miss him!

Yes, I still cry myself to sleep on occasion.

I have to continue to try to master the lesson that my boy taught me. Living!

Greyson LIVED!

He loved every day that he opened his eyes. He took it for what we adults have forgotten, a blessing!

A gift from God!

I want to learn to look at each day that way..

I want to look at life like Greyson...

I'm flunking out right now, but I will continue to study until I learn the lesson that Greyson taught us all.....

I will learn to live...

September 2009! National Newborn Screening Awareness Month

Yesterday was the 1st of September, the day that Greyson's Law officially takes effect. The state department of health still has until September 2010 to fully implement all of the tests and provision of Greyson's Law, but still it was a big milestone in the Morris household. Very significant if not bitter - sweet day.

I passed the day very unceremoniously. I was sleeping. Luke has been home all week this week so far with a bug that he picked up at school. "Aren't the first few weeks of the school week grand?" I don't know if it was the fact that I feel bad today that I slept all day yesterday, (fighting what Luke has) or just me shutting down, but I blew it. And my feeling bad today didn't help me correct it today. I had intended to get Nicole some flowers and a balloon in celebration, but of coarse, didn't. I SUCK~!

I have been fighting a overwhelming feeling of being in limbo right now. I was going to start school this semester, but didn't get all of my money issues into line in time, so that has been postponed until nest semester. I am very anxiously awaiting a call from the Texas Health Commissioner's Office asking me to be a part of the Advisory Committee on Newborn Screening, but nothing yet. So here I sit feeling like I am adrift.... I need to get off my butt! I do have much to do. I need to get a planning committee together for the fundraising walk that we want to have on the 1 year anniversary of Grey's death.

Needless to say, I have a lot that I want to accomplish. All I need is to get started.

Grief is Like a Storm

You know, I have been getting a little discouraged here lately. Nicole and I had a wonderful time at the symposium and made some lifetime friends. People which, I can really see having a friendship with for the next 30 years. I was really in a good place in terms of my grief while we were there. Even the following 2 weeks went well. I was comfortable with Greyson being on my mind, but not occupying my every thought. I was functioning and making plans on what to do for the next few months and how Nicole and I are going to tackle organizing our first fundraiser on Dec. 12, 2009. The one year anniversary of Greyson's death.

This week, everything changed. Not matter how hard I try, no matter how much I think about the good times and the fact that I wouldn't want Greyson to suffer the ravages of Krabbes Disease, I feel unsettled. I feel lost on the ocean.

Adrift.

I know that I love all of my children, I have never doubted this. With Greyson, I love him just as I do the other boys, but it is different. I have never been uncomfortable about letting the boys explore and wander away from me. Knowing that they will always return. With Greyson, I could never bear to leave him. I took more days off to spend with him than I have for all that other boys put together, and this was before we knew that he was sick.

My grief councilor has told me that the reason I was so attentive to Greyson was because in my heart I knew that we were going to loose him.

I am lost in a ocean of grief. I have no way to navigate. I am just floating out there lost in this endless ocean. I feel like a sailor lost in the Bermuda Triangle, every time that the storm seems to be abating, the wind and rain tear at my clothes. Though there are periods of calm, but there is always more rain and wind.

Unconditional Love....

I will admit it freely. I am very broken and I have been going to grief counseling pretty much since Greyson died.

Growing up, I never thought much about the whole grief and living thing. You know, when your a kid, the only people that die are grandparents, and they are, just expected to at some point. My parents always approached it as, "Yes it is sad for us that Nonnie is up in heaven, but she lived a full life and she was very old and, it was her time to go to heaven." The logic and natural order of life was just, ...... reassuring and, natural. I was sad, but happy for my grandparent because, they had been ill, no more pain, no more fighting the fight. They had earned their rest.

Death was a natural part of life.

How innocent! How perfect! I never realized how sheltered and protected I was as an child growing up. I never had to experience the lose of a parent or a sibling. No one that I loved had their life cut short. I never had to experience a TRAGIC death, I was untouched by tragedy.

I feel that I have failed as a parent. My boys have lost the innocence of their life. They have felt tragedy. They now know that death can visit anyone of us at anytime, the fragility that is life. Luke, Seth and Riley have been robbed!

In grief counseling today, I finally told my group what I have come to believe since our returning from the Hunter's Hope Symposium in Buffalo, NY. I have told myself and I think that I blogged about it once...

Greyson was love. His spirit just radiated love. Love of life, love of waking up each morning, love of family, love for ...... me.

I thought back about each and every time that I would walk in the door after working the night shift and Greyson would literally shake in anticipation when he saw me. Because nothing worked, he would become stiff and smile the most beautiful smile that I have ever seen. There he was, unable to move, unable to play and he was happy because I was there. I would pick him up and everything was perfect in the world. He was happy and content. We were attached.

I have come to the realization that Greyson was not giving to us without reward. Yes, his love for me, Nicole and his brothers and his Nana, was great and given freely.

But we.

We.

We were filling him up with our complete acceptance, our love of him just as he was. He was able to give to us unconditional love because we loved him unconditionally. Without regret or remorse. WE LOVED HIM!

Attached is a picture that has become very special to me. At first, I wasn't very thrilled with this picture, It was taken at my 40th birthday only 2 weeks before we lost Grey. In it you can see that Grey was getting much weaker. But his smile and love are strong and bright as ever. To me, the name Greyson has come to mean, a shooting star of love.....

Reality Just Stinks!

Monday was the first day of school for the boys. Riley and Seth were so excited. Luke was the calm, old pro and to his credit was very patient with his younger bothers and their very loud and overwhelming enthusiasm.

Good Job Luke! You make me so proud.

I feel guilty though. Maybe that is why I haven't blogged about it until today. I forced myself to wear a smile and to be excited, but in truth, my heart was struggling mightily just to function. It all came crashing in on me again.

Firsts....

A lifetime of firsts unfulfilled.

It all seems as a dream. My arms ache and barely remember what it was to hold him. No first step. No first day of school, ever! My poor little boy! I couldn't protect you. How I wish I could have. I would have given my life to spare you what you had to endure.

I never understood the human capacity to dwell on things. I have been around death and the dying in my career on several occasions. I always wondered about some peoples tendencies to wind up stuck after the death of a loved one.

I get it now!

I love all of my children. This is a unalterable Truth. Nothing will ever change this fact. I worry sometimes that I become too overwhelmed by my feelings of grief. I wish that I could be more like Riley. I have lost count of the times that he and I have been hanging out and He will suddenly put his head on my heart and say,

"I miss Grey."

This always wrenches my heart. I ache for the realization that Grey wasn't the only one of my children that I could not protect, my children have had their innocence ripped from them.

It always lasts only for moments, and then, Riley will jump up and say,

"Love you Dad! I'm going to go play!"

Wow! Just like that he has processed his grief, recognized it and moved onto something else. The strength of children has always shocked me. Grey showed it. Riley and Luke and Seth are shining examples of it. Each of them grieves Greyson's loss in his own way, but they also have the ability to let that grief go and continued to live. We adults could learn from their example.

Sweet dreams my darling family. I love you so much.
Greyson, if you are able, I would love you to visit daddy in his dreams tonight. Daddy loves you.