I Finally Let It Happen....

I have been working my butt off. On June 1st, I got a call from my Nursing Agency asking me if I could help out while one of the other nurses on my weekend case was on vacation for the whole month. For the past 10 years, summer has always been the time that I have picked up as many extra shifts as I can each week to help us make it thru till Christmas. It was hard to make myself say yes. I just haven't had the energy (motivation) to work my normal shifts much less pick up extra. Probably a symptom of depression. Any rate, I forced myself to agree and I have been working doubles on every Wednesday.

So I have been working extra. I guess that it has been going well, Mostly. The bad side effect has been that I have been completely useless at home. All I want to do is completely check out when I am at home. Totally Veg out. Just not do anything that I have to do.

I also totally missed marking the 6 month anniversary of Grey's death. Not that I forgot about it or didn't spend my entire day thinking of Grey. Replaying our last moments together over and over...

I mean that I felt no drive to do, anything.

I felt like just shutting down. Just sitting on the couch holding his urn. The couch were he slipped away... sitting on the small couch were I sat holding him, waiting for the funeral home to come. Sitting.

I didn't feel need or impulse to do anything else.

I didn't Blog. I didn't play games. I drove Nicole nuts. She needed to accomplish things. She totally didn't get what was up with me.

Sooo. I did manage, after irritating my wife to drag myself up to go with her and the kids for errands. I'm sure I was a great joy to be with. We also went to my sister Larissa's house. It was good to be able to sit and see the boys play with their cousins.

6 Months. On June 12, 2009 at 2:12pm it was 6 MONTHS.

It feels like a lifetime ago since I held my son for the first time. Since I basked in the glow of his loving gazes or felt him melt into my arms after I picked him up. Forever since that last smile. The last time he recognized, "Oh! Ah! Da! It's you!"

A lifetime since I last dreamed of Greyson.

It feels just like yesterday since I heard My Baby Boy take his last breath. Felt his last heart beat. Just yesterday since our perfect life changed forever. Just yesterday since a huge part of my heart died and crumbled into dust, leaving a gaping hole.

6 Months.

We, I, Love and miss you Grey.