What's Wrong With You?

I have been hearing that alot today. I think that was the first words out of Nicole's mouth when I called her.

Until she asked, I didn't think that I was having any trouble at all. I mean, I feel a little guilty about crashing yesterday when I got home at 5 pm after working since the night before. I feel like I let the boys down and Nicole too. I didn't get a thing done at all. Just SLEPT. I hate to sleep. I have always felt that it is a huge waste of time. But it always manages to catch up with me. I guess that it was because my schedule has been so different this week, maybe it was the fact that I have started working out on the Elliptical Machine at the YMCA. I don't know.

It has been a hard week. Extra work so that I can be off on Sunday for the BBQ. Working out, thoughts about Grey. I remember being upset with Nicole on Mother's Day, the way she was acting. How upset she was. How distant she was. I couldn't reach her, couldn't make her talk to me. I needed to know what was going on in her head. The closer we get to Father's Day tomorrow, my first Father's Day after Grey's death, I think that I understand.

This morning, I stopped at a McDonald's to get a Egg McMuffin meal. The nice lady wished me a "Happy Father's Day, Sir!" I wanted to SCREAM at her! HOW DARE YOU! Don't you know that I am in PAIN? How SAD I am? How I don't think that I will ever enjoy another Father's Day the rest of my life? Ever?

Father's Day was my favorite ever since I became a Father. NEVER AGAIN!

Nicole,

I'm sorry that I didn't just let you be. I sorry that I didn't try to understand better. I get it now. I will try to do better. I will enjoy the party tomorrow. I will.

I Love You!