Seven Months!

Today is exactly seven months since Grey died.

Seven months since I last held my baby boy, felt his soft breathing, smelled his hair.

Daily, I have to endure waves of different emotions. But I must say that the 12 th of each month is by far much worse. Every day I relive the last moments of Grey's life, today, many other memories make their presence known.

I have a memory of the first few weeks of having Greyson home after his birth. Having another baby was my idea, I wasn't ready to not have a young child at home for me to care for and be "Mister Mom" to while Nicole and the kids were at school. I think it was one of the first days after Nicole had gone back to work. Greyson was very spoiled. I carried him around constantly. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to put him down for very long. Well I had to go to the bathroom and I took Grey into the bathroom with me in his bouncy chair. After I was done and Greyson was crying, I bent down to pick Grey up and was rewarded by a beautiful smile. I remember smiling back and whispering to Greyson, "Promise Daddy that you will stay my little baby boy for a while, don't grow too fast."

I feel a great twinge of guilt whenever this memory comes home. Greyson kept his promise. He will never grow up, he will always be my baby boy.

I'm sure that I am in no way unique. I am sure that all parents that experience the death of one of their children go though this. The guilt for the little things that you didn't do, the impatience that you showed instead of taking a few extra minutes to indulge, the frustration that you felt when you wanted to do other things and couldn't.....

Not all memories are the best, some are just there to torture us. I know, I have been greatly tortured of late.

Feeling that I should have spent more time, been more attentive, done more to make it clear to Greyson how much the precious time that we have together meant to me.

I Love You and miss you Grey!

Fly high and play hard!