If I had to sum up how I have been these past few weeks....
I'm broken.
And I'm pissed about it.
I really thought that I was doing at least a decent job of functioning despite these feeling, you know, holding it together for the good of the family and all. Well, I have been fooling no one but myself. What's more, I have been getting pissy with Nicole when she calls me on it. Defensive, loud, belligerent and just ugly. Believe me. I wish that I wasn't having to own up to this fact. In fact as of Friday night, I was still getting upset with Nicole because of what I saw as her lack of understanding and acceptance of my grief and the processing of my grief.
I mean. how DARE she expect me to act as an adult though this, SHE of all people knows that I am lost without Greyson.
Yup!
Another great moment in the history of Bill Morris, wonderful husband and father! How selfless I am! How Noble!
Thinking about my behavior over the past couple of weeks makes me ill. I was totally sure that I was in the right and that Nicole was just being intolerant of my grief.
Friday night was a rarity. Nicole and I went out, just the two of us. What with the changes to my work schedule and my inability to get out of my own way, we haven't been connecting emotionally real well. About a month ago I had made a half-assed attempt to smooth things over by surprising Nicole with a band for her wedding set that I got for her on our 10 year anniversary. Well. The band didn't match and it didn't work. Nicole thanked me and asked me to return the ring so that we could get our money back.
I pouted, and didn't return the ring in time to get anything but a store credit back. Nicole asked me Friday morning to go with her to the store so that she could pick out a keepsake necklace for our trip to Buffalo next week. So after I finished work, off we went to San Antonio to the store and dinner.
While we drove, Nicole bravely again, tried to talk to me about how I have been acting. I was having none of it. Defensive to say the least! I could tell that she was getting exasperated with me when we still hadn't made any progress by the time that we arrived at the store.
While we were inside, I again saw how patient and understanding Nicole is. She insisted that I use the store credit to replace my old wedding band that I have had since our wedding day. She cited that it, being yellow gold didn't match her new Platinum ring in any way and that I therefore needed to have a new ring that would closer match hers. All of the emotional wrestling and sparing that we had done in the car, and she was spoiling me?! Shocked into meekness, I was quiet when we got back into the truck. Tears in her eyes, Nicole told me:
"Sweet, remember how hard Grey used to work to get your attention and give you attention? Even after he was really sick?
I do.
"You know, I believe that Greyson is still with us and trying to show us how much he loves us and misses us. But he can't get though your anger and your intense sadness. I don't believe that you can hear him or feel him when you are so sad and angry, Bill."
"Remember how happy you could make him just by talking to him or answering him? Have you thought about how upset he must be that he can't get you to hear him?"
I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach.
Have I been unable to dream about him or see his attempts to reach me because of my dwelling on my pain?
I haven't had a dream about him or with him in months. Nicole is always seeing little signs that he has sent her. But none for me. Is this because of me too?
Today I was driving right past the store while I was working. On a whim, I asked my client if we could stop to check if my new band was ready. It was.
As soon as I saw it and the simple, plain beauty of the ring, all of the thoughts and doubts that have been rattling in my brain quieted. I want to start anew. I want Grey to know that I love him and even though I miss him,
I will try to be okay. For him.
For Nicole.
For Luke.
For Seth.
For Riley.
For me.
Forgive me.
