You know, I have been getting a little discouraged here lately. Nicole and I had a wonderful time at the symposium and made some lifetime friends. People which, I can really see having a friendship with for the next 30 years. I was really in a good place in terms of my grief while we were there. Even the following 2 weeks went well. I was comfortable with Greyson being on my mind, but not occupying my every thought. I was functioning and making plans on what to do for the next few months and how Nicole and I are going to tackle organizing our first fundraiser on Dec. 12, 2009. The one year anniversary of Greyson's death.
This week, everything changed. Not matter how hard I try, no matter how much I think about the good times and the fact that I wouldn't want Greyson to suffer the ravages of Krabbes Disease, I feel unsettled. I feel lost on the ocean.
I know that I love all of my children, I have never doubted this. With Greyson, I love him just as I do the other boys, but it is different. I have never been uncomfortable about letting the boys explore and wander away from me. Knowing that they will always return. With Greyson, I could never bear to leave him. I took more days off to spend with him than I have for all that other boys put together, and this was before we knew that he was sick.
My grief councilor has told me that the reason I was so attentive to Greyson was because in my heart I knew that we were going to loose him.
I am lost in a ocean of grief. I have no way to navigate. I am just floating out there lost in this endless ocean. I feel like a sailor lost in the Bermuda Triangle, every time that the storm seems to be abating, the wind and rain tear at my clothes. Though there are periods of calm, but there is always more rain and wind.