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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Syrup? Anyone?


I worked last night. Mondays have been a work night for me for years! After Seth was born and had to be so closely monitored on his diet, Nicole and I agreed to rearrange my work week so that one of us was able to be at home with the kids. No daycare. It has been tough in some ways, (Nicole & I have NO time together) and very rewarding for me in others. I have gotten to be Mr. Mom for the last 9 years.

Anyway, I decided to stop on the way home for breakfast for Nicole and the boys. I wanted to stop at McDonald's but the line was insane. And Nicole was very specific, No food in the new truck. So I went to Burger King. I got the hash browns for everyone and the French Toast sticks for Riley. As soon as I got the bag and pulled it into the truck, the smell hit me. Some of the memories are starting to come easier now.... Grey with syrup all over his face, grinning from ear to ear.

Grey loved syrup! He would get excited when I went down the list of breakfast items, and just wiggle and smile when I hit on the one he wanted that morning. It went in cycles, but waffles drowned in syrup was a definite favorite. He would sit there just beaming, syrup all over his face, sucking the syrup out of every piece of waffle. And then spit out the pieces. Then, Baby Bird, mouth open! Another piece. Sticky! Sweet smell.

This picture is great! I took it one of those crazy mornings that Grey was just awesome. Giggling and smiling, playing with Daddy and just making a MESS!

Mornings like that were the best!

Makes me miss you even more Little Man!


Ah! DA! Loves you!


This is one of my favorite pictures. While sleeping today after a night at work, my memories visited me in my dreams. I was in the kitchen, making French Toast with, you guessed it, syrup. Another Greyson favorite. I felt Greyson's presence and heard him laughing, in the excited, hurry up Dad! Way that he did when he was ready for his breakfast.

It was a nice dream.

In my minds eye, I can see Grey, sucking on a piece of waffle......

Friday, March 27, 2009

Taking a Step Back....



I haven't blogged in a few days. I guess that I needed a break. Also, I started meeting with a grief counselor. I really think that seeing her is going to be a huge help to me. Actually, she is the one that suggested that I needed to take a break from everything, working on Greyson's Law, blogging, anything that made me focus on my grief. So that's what I did.



She also said that after a break, I needed to re-read some of my past blogs. "!.!" Boy. The counselor said that the blogging is a very healthy thing to do, getting rid of the "poison" of my grief, and that we humans require that our grief must be witnessed. So she was glad to see that I am not internalizing my grief, but....





I now see why so many of you have been voicing your concerns. It took Nicole sitting down with me and reading me some of titles of my blogs and some of the more, memorial ones for me to see that. While expelling the poison of my grief might be a healthy thing, exposing friends, family and others who care about me, my wife, and my boys, to these unfiltered feelings, is not kind or necessary.


So the time has come. I must stop feeling so sorry for myself and refocus on making it about celebrating Greyson's life and Greyson's Gift, instead of my grief and my ability to describe it. The fact that we have been able to achieve as much as we have in such a short time is amazing. The impact Greyson has had and continues to have on people is very humbling to me as his father. The pride that I feel in my heart for Greyson is unbelievable, indescribable.





Grey, Ah! Da! loves you!





To all the people that have been worrying about me and our family, Thank you. Please know that I will be continuing to work on my grief and doing it in a more positive and constructive way.



The process will not always be pleasant or easy, I may revert to allowing the grief over take me, But I will never allow it to consume me the way it was beginning to. I must resist the temptation to surrender to the grief and to never feel anything again but numbness. I can and I will. I am nothing if not tenacious. My family needs me, and I need them. Together we will overcome our grief and find a way to carry on with the joys of living.

I have made this promise to our Greyson. Now I make to everyone else too.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

A Spurs Game! Family Night Out.


Tuesday night was the best. Nicole and I took all of the boys to a Spurs game at the ATT Center. The Spurs were playing the Golden State Warriors. I really didn't think that the experience was going to be all that great. After all, we bought the Family-night special tickets way up in the 200's. I expected us to be cramped, unable to really see and uncomfortable. Not so. The seats were up high, but we were on the end and right in front of us was a stairway, so Seth and Riley could stand up and not be in any ones way.


The Boys had a BLAST! They were bouncing up and down, cheering and shouting at the Refs. Even Luke seemed to really enjoy the experience. I can't wait till the next time. I kept finding Nicole and I looking at each other smiling at the joy the boys were having. Definitely a good memory.


Thanks Spurs! Thanks for the win and the best night out in a long time. I will carry the memory of watching my boys enjoy their first live game with me forever.


Grey, Grey


Mommy and I took your brothers to see the Spurs Tuesday night. They had so much fun. So did I. Mommy and I kept catching each others eyes. I know that Mommy was thinking the same as me. You were there, bouncing up and down with your big brothers. I could see you in my mind hanging all over them and screaming as loud as they were, having a blast.


I miss you Little Man, we all do.


Love you,

Ah! Da!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Can You Say.... Envy?


I'm frustrated.

I consider myself a reasonable person. I guess thats why the feelings and thought processes that I have been experiencing since Grey's death are so troubling. I feel like standing on the tallest mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs that "Life Sucks!!" Don't I sound reasonable?


I know that it had to happen eventually. I just wasn't ready I guess. All of our friends and family members have been so wonderful to us. Supportive, patient and loving. I needed that more that anything. But slowly, surely, some of them are starting to call less often, not check as frequently. Some never did. I guess that they didn't know what to say, how to feel, how to face us and our pain. That okay. I get it. Life goes on.


But not for me....


I'm frozen. I really thought that I was starting to deal with the grief, handle the pain, through things like this blog, purge myself of the sadness. I see now that I was just fooling myself. It's not going to be that easy. Not yet, maybe never.


Now I have to find a way to deal with a new feeling, envy. I envy everyone that I know, for they have a normal to go back too. For them time has presented that reality that is : LIFE GOES ON.

Great!! Pain, Grief, then guilt, and now envy! I'm running out of places to put all these emotions! I finally had to admit to myself that I'm blowing it! I just can't do this alone. I'm not being any support to Nicole and the kids. I'm too focused on myself and trying to find some way to balance it all.

Yea! Right! Like I would trust someone in my position to keep it together. I would be sending them to see a grief counselor.


So I have my answer. It's time to get some direction. A fresh perspective.

Do I really want to know if I'm as crazy as I think I am?

Oh Crap!

Friday, March 20, 2009

I Just Don't Know.....


My perception of time is all whacked out. The days seem to drag, but when I think about Grey (always), it seems that time has flown. It has ONLY been 3 months, 1 week and 1 day..... It seems a lifetime since I held him in my arms.... The wily, crafty Old Specter is still screwing with me. As much as I hate sleep, towards the end of my week, I am looking for the time to crash and rest. Working isn't so much physically draining as it is emotionally and mentally. The Old Specter is merciless, when I don't want to sleep, he forces it upon me! When I am looking for every precious moment of sleep to keep me going for the weekend, He vanishes. Leaving me to toss and turn, enduring the moments of reflexion, like fingernails upon a chalkboard. Take this morning, I can sense the possibility of sleep, the allure of oblivion and the possibilities of dreams. But no! Just as I think that I will manage to close my eyes, POOF! The Old Specter is gone to the mists.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Our Endless Journey


Sleep.


Anyone who really knows me would brace themselves before saying that particular word in my presence. It is definitely worse that any curse word. I have always had this endless struggle with the specter that is sleep. For me it is not just this natural part of life to be embraced. It is a foe, ruthless as they come that I must constantly match wits and strengths with day in and day out. I hate sleeping. I think it is the biggest waste of our most precious of possessions, time. The things that we humans miss while we are sleeping. Just being!




Existence. Loving, spending... time.. with our loved ones.




That time that we wasted sleeping is lost forever. Never to be regained. We humans are finite in nature. Our time here in this life is limited, some believe pre-ordained. It drives me nuts that the good Lord decided to then rob us of such a HUGE portion of that limited and most precious of gifts that he has bestowed to us. Everyday we are afflicted again, we are struck down and forced to surrender our most prized possession, time... Never to regain it back. It is gone. Forever.




Lately, I have been going over the last year frame by frame in the epic film of "William C. Morris, This is your Life!!" The seething anger that resides inside my heart coils, lurching back and forth hissing and spiting at me as I replay my time with my Grey Grey. My anger threatens to break free and engulf me as I think of all the times spent holding and snuggling with him when I dozed off to sleep instead of savoring every second! Breathing in his scent, feeling his soft hair and skin, the soft rhythm of his breathing. Believe ME! the irony of the whole thing is not lost to me. My favorite times with Grey was when he was snuggled in my arms, sleeping on my chest. But the perfect picture is shattered! EVERY TIME I dozed off! I lost my moments to the Old Specter. I can almost hear him mocking me!

The Specter continues his torture by dangling the lure of possible dream of my boy! He is a crafty adversary. My victories against him are fleeting at best, pointless at worst. He forces me to repay my victories steeply, robbing me of huge chunks of time after I have defied him for large periods of time. He is always there tempting me with the most precious of lures, dreams of Grey. I should know better, so far he has only paid up once. And only fleeting at that. All too brief.


Despair.

The Old Specter is ruthless. He has joined forces with the Ugly Troll that is my grief. They make a effective and dynamic duo. I very much feel like the worn out old punching bag in the gym, beaten and bruised, discolored and torn, patched with duct tape and stitches. The Old Specter is very crafty and sharp. He wears me down and just as I am forcing him to tap out, he tags in his partner, Grief. A ugly nasty troll that grabs me by my heart and turns me into that punching bag, holding me by my heart, squeezing ever tighter as I struggle to free myself, dodge, get away. Mockingly the Troll slaps me senseless with his free hand, until I become a raw, sobbing mess, unable to resist as the Old Specter tags back in. One..., Two...., Three.! He smothers me into submission and tags back in the Troll, who goes right back to squeezing my heart into submission.

Beaten and bruised, I find myself in the waking moments each day wondering, why fight on? Why continues this endless journey? There is no end in sight. I don't think that there is a end. I think that until the day I die, I will be tortured this way day in and day out. I just pray that when my journey ends, I will be worthy to join my boy, my Grey. That is my purpose, that is why I will fight the battle day in and day out. Why I will continued the battles, fight the war! Because in the end, if I can earn my place at the good Lord's table with my Grey, I will have won that war despite all of the lost battles.


Here's to fighting the good fight! Bring It ON!!


Ah! DA! Loves you Grey. I will WIN! We will be together someday! But you probably already know that, don't you?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Is It Magic? Or Just Memories?


Home.


It is 1 am on Monday, March 16, 2009. It is 3 months and 4 days since our world was changed forever. No! Changed doesn't describe it. It was as if a huge hole punch was driven into my chest and one of the most important parts of my heart was ripped out in an instant. The hole that has been left behind, aching, empty, echoing with the possibilities to never be. His specter resides there, running, jumping, playing, reaching for me for hugs, the vastness ringing with the silence never to be broken by squeals of joy, pain, fear.

A vacuum, black void. Once filled with the bright light of joy and future, years to come. Now the entire universe is but a speck. The blackness is taking on a presence of it's own. When I'm busy or with others, it retreats into the vacuum, hiding from view and my consciousness. But it bursts forth to wrap me in it's smothering embrace in my moments of solitude and reflection. It's crushing weight endangering my ability to breathe. I find myself longing for the return of the blackness and crushing weight when it is gone.

In the first days after Grey's death in my arms, I would swear when I closed my eyes, that I could feel Grey there still, smell his hair. The feeling would return to me in my moments alone. And to my relief, returns to me still.


Is it magic that I can feel his head on my chest still? Magic that I feel his face pressed against my chest on the space my tattoo now resides? Magic or is it just memories?


Honestly, I don't care. I need it as my lungs need air.


GREY! AH! DA! LOVES YOU!!!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

A Thing of Beauty!

This is the updated video of "Who Knew?" As we fight to expand Texas' Newborn Screening, this video will be shown to all the committee members, both in the House and Senate, to help bring support for Greyson's Law, HB 1795 and SB 1720. Please feel free to post and pass this on.


video

At Last, Some Good News!


During the day Thursday, My sister Adrienne and I were up at the capital all day. Meetings after meetings, talking to anyone that we can get to listen about our Bill. Answering questions, addressing the Representative's concerns, lobbying for support.

I feel good about the chances for passage of HB 1795. Keep up the pressure on the members of the committee, it will make a difference.

It was a long day. Then at the end of the day, good news!, Senator Carlos Uresti not only decided to support us, He filed Greyson's bill in the Senate also. This is great news. It doubles our chances of success. This is a fantastic, unexpected development. I had given up on gaining the Senator's support. I had been calling his office for days and not getting a response about his position. And then, BAM!! We find out that he not only supports our position, but wants to pass it in the Senate too.


Fantastic!! Thank you Senator Uresti.

Greyson's Law is now Senate Bill #1720 too.

Date Night


I wouldn't call what I did yesterday sleep. I think it was more akin to a coma. I don't remember a thing. I had intended to sleep until about 1 pm and then get up and do a few things around the house, blog about the day at the capital. But my body revolted against any plans that involved awakening at a certain time and doing any chores. So I woke up at 10 min until 4 pm. Sleeping like that during the day is very disorienting. I had a moment of panic like I used to get when I was sleeping at nap time with Greyson. Had I overslept, did Greyson wake up sooner that me? Did he roll off my chest? Is he OK?......


Oh God! Not again......

It's like losing him all over again.....Tightness, the crushing weight of grief..... And something new. I have started experiencing a new sensation as I struggle against the waves of emotions.

GUILT?!


Are you kidding? The tightness and crushing sadness make sense to me, but guilt? I don't get it. But it's defiantly there, gnawing at my nerves. Really!? The sadness and pain at losing him is not enough? I have to have guilt now too? I have been struggling with doubt and that doubt is playing right into the guilt.


Am I sure that I didn't notice something that could have alerted us about his illness in time to save him?


Why wasn't I more aggressive with the doctors about what they called "laziness"?


I knew something was wrong with Grey, why did I doubt those feeling?


Why am I not sad more?


Why can I function? Why do I not hurt more? Did I not love him as much as I thought?


These questions threaten my sanity. Make me feel as though I might snap at any moment.


Oh! Crap! Nicole will be home soon! We are supposed to go out on a date night. Struggling to regain control of myself and shelter her from my pain and doubt. Hockey. We are going to the Rampage game. No sad thoughts allowed for the whole date. YEA RIGHT! Like that is going to happen.

Still, spending good time with Nicole is something I desperately need. I miss her. I know that she is hurting and trying to hold things together too.


Here's to Date Night!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Tired.....


I just don't know. You know, I will be the first to admit that for me, blogging is about finding a way to let go of poison. I do worry sometimes that I will, without intentions, cause someone else pain. It has, without my realizing it, been days since I have blogged. I ask myself why? So many of the things that I do just don't make any logical sense.

This week has been a hurricane of activity.

Monday, the SA Living interview.
Tuesday, what happened to Tuesday?
Wednesday, dentist appointment and visiting a friend.
Thursday, hustling to each of the Committee members offices for HB 1795 to answer any questions, lobby for support and address concerns. A blur!!

And yes I have still been working my normal work schedule! In fact I just got home from working the night shift. Tired.
So Tired...... I have much to say about yesterday at the Capitol, but I am literally falling asleep typing this....
......Continue later.....

Monday, March 9, 2009

Wow! The Places We Wind Up!


Wow!


I tell you what, this time last year I was in the euphoric world of a Dad with a new baby at home. Experiencing first smiles and musical cooing and gurgling. A blur of diaper changes and baths, sleepless nights and days blending together. I was the proudest of all Dad's! 4 boys! I was the MAN!!


Through the fog of tears stinging my eyes, I watched the lost videos of Grey at 3 months old. We had forgotten about the footage. What a blessing that Nicole found it. My biggest concern back then was how to satisfy the attention needs of 4 rambunctious boys. What I wouldn't give to have that be my biggest concern now!


Sunday was a surreal day. I was working and I was out with my client and his wife and daughter while the ladies shopped for clothes. He has become a dear friend and confidant. He too knows the pain that only a father of a lost son can feel. Anyway, I was off getting him some water from the water fountain and I had one of those moments that you never think will happen to you. I have always been fascinated by babies. Even before fatherhood I loved to play with friends kids and watch the wonder of life in their eyes. I met a kind man and his 14 month old son. A beautiful boy who wasn't sure he was enjoying the whole, shopping thing. Naturally I was drawn to them. Babies have a way of mesmerizing me lately, especially babies close to what Grey's age would be. I spoke to them and continued to the water fountains. As I made my way back, father and son were rocking in a rocker in the outdoor display. So naturally I stopped and talked to them.
Would you believe that the man recognized me from the news piece done on Greyson's death months ago? What are the chances that on the eve of our doing the SA Living Show to update our progress, I would have a chance encounter with this man and his young son? What message am I to take from this? This is the first time that I have been recognised by a stranger. I want to thank this kind soul for his words of kindness and sympathy. Thank you for reminding me of Nicole's and my goal to protect babies from our Grey's fate. I am reminded of Pastor Mark's words, "Love Him Hard!"




Wow! The Places We Wind Up!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

I Wonder


I tried not too....

No matter how hard I tried, the thoughts kept squeezing thru every wall I placed in front of them. It's not that they were completely unpleasant, but painful all the same.


How old would he be now?

What would he be doing?

What would he have liked most about today?

Which game would be his favorite?

Would he play well with other kids his age?

Would he have thrown a fit when it was time to leave?

Would he be scared of strangers?

How coordinated would he be by now?

Would he be walking yet?


Today was a nice day. Today was my sweet little niece Natalie's birthday. My sister and her husband had a mermaid birthday party for her a one of those Playscapes places. There were kids of all ages everywhere! Running, playing, having meltdowns, squealing in delight. It was the best kind of ciaos. I really love kids. I love being around them, watching them explore the world, test themselves. Before I knew what was happening, I was staring at a new (3 week old) baby. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. I am positive that I totally freaked that Mom out. Some weirdo staring at her baby, looking like God knows what? Was my face screwed up in pain? I don't think I cried, did I?

After watching the kids for awhile, I realized that I was playing a torturous game. One that I, in no way could win. I was trying to picture in my mind what Greyson would be doing at this party if he had never been sick, never died.


What would he be doing?
What would he have liked most about today?
Which game would be his favorite?
Would he play well with other kids his age?
Would he have thrown a fit when it was time to leave?
Would he be scared of strangers?
How coordinated would he be by now?
Would he be walking yet?


My eyes found Nicole across the room. She was watching the newborn baby as though she was mesmerized by him. I felt a twinge of the same old tightness in my chest, I hate to see Nicole hurting. I made my way over to where she was, and just laid my hand on her back. I could feel the quivering tremors that always proceed tears. But her face was so composed, still. I asked her if she was alright and she just whispered, "hard to be here, you know?" The tightness in my chest became a spasm. I know.....


Later in the party I was sitting with my Dad talking. Nicole made her way over to me and sat beside me. After a few quite moments, She leaned over and asked, " I wonder what Grey would be like."


Gods!. At times it is scary how alike Nicole and I think.


I wonder..........???

Friday, March 6, 2009

I Shoulda Known Better....


I thought it would be nice. I thought I would be able to recapture a moment or two, or at least the memory of a feeling once felt. It was a cool idea after all.


I shoulda known better....


Just before Greyson was born, Nicole and I got into this very short lived series called "Dead Like Me", about a rag tag group of Grim Reapers. There were only 3 seasons and then it was cancelled. I have fond memories of lying in our entertainment room watching the episodes while Nicole and the boys, except for Riley were at school. Those were such happy times. Riley and I would talk at least once a day about how cool it was going to be to have a new little boy in the house and how excited Riley was about being a big brother.

Happy Memories.....


The other night, Nicole found a full length DVD movie done based on the series, most of the same cast and everything. So we bought it. Tonight, I was playing computer games with Seth and had finished building Riley's Lego Clone Wars Tank. Seth was drifting off to sleep and Riley already was. Nicole called me away & suggested that we watch the DVD. I had such a good time giving attention to the boys I though that quality time with Nicole would be cherry on the pie. Spending the time together was nice, but the movie just kept taking me back to the before Grey times, the before Grey was sick times, the taking naps with Grey on my chest times.

My old familiar, snug, tight T- shirt very confining and tight. Tightness and aching, feeling as though the next deep breath would started the tremors that would rip me apart. The aching desire to make a deal, any deal for even another moment with Greyson. To remember the way that he smelled, felt, snuggled...


Yes, I shoulda known better......

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Dear Friends..... Taking Time for a Deep Breath

Wednesday was a blur. It started early, at 6:30 Am, helping Nicole and the boys get the day started. Except that I was taking Seth in the Lab for blood work to check how he's doing levels wise on the PKU front. Seth and I had a great morning. Good quality father and son time, doing just, stuff! After Seth had eaten his breakfast I took him and dropped him off at school. It was about 8:30 Am. All in all not to bad a morning.



Ever since the benefit for Greyson, I have been getting great joy out of reconnecting with a favorite teacher from my high school days. He surprised me by attending. Turns out that he is one of our closest friends Uncle and he made the connections of who I was. I cannot explained how touched I was too look up from accepting someones sympathy to see a well remembered smile and a long missed face. To not see someone who you enjoyed spending time with for 22 years and to have them all of a sudden appear to provide support to you in a time of great sorrow and difficulty is overwhelming. I was deeply touched.
It was great fun and relief to sit and just talk, catch up and laugh..... I can still laugh. Not the polite make others feel better about how I'm doing, but the deep, side splitting laugh. I haven't felt so good in so long. I will admit that it was an effort to not feel guilty about feeling so good though. Guilt was tickling the back of my neck the whole time. Telling stories about Grey helped keep it at bay.

As I drove away after a wonderful visit, I found myself thinking about how blessed as a family we have been. We have so many wonderful, thoughtful people checking on us, thinking about and praying for us. I wish that I could do or say more to thank you. Each and everyone of you have touched my heart deeply.
I then did something that I haven't done in far too long, I got my wife flowers and had lunch. After lunch I went to the local radio station to try and arrange an on air interview and the local newspaper to raise interest in a story about H.B 1795 (Greyson's Law). It's looking good and I will keep you apprised of any development.
Then at 5:30 pm I was a baseball practice with Seth. Not a bad day at all.

Grey Grey, I did it! I let myself have some fun without that tight- fitting T-shirt bothering me too much. I hope I made you proud of me. I miss you so much Little Man.

I Love You,
Ah! Da!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Cash..... Beautiful Future

Sweet, sweet pain..... beautiful possibilities lost forever.....
Sometimes we human are a bit sadistic. That quality that causes a traffic jam because everyone has to see the drama. We are like that with things that cause us pain.... Nicole has a dear friend that she works with,... she has the most beautiful little baby boy..... Cash... He has the most amazing eyes and a great smile. He is so precious!! I really enjoy seeing him when he is up at the school with his Mom... But I dread seeing him too....

When I'm around Cash, the amazing beauty that is life floods into me. I thank God for babies and that Cash is happy and healthy. His smile lights the sputtering pilot light that is my joy and happiness, his awkward unsteady gait reminding me of all the possibilities of a young, fresh life. All the tears, smiles, scraps, boo-boos, laughs, squeals of delight and fear, all the wonderful treasures of having a small infant in your life. For a brief moment, very brief, I remember what joy I felt in being Grey's Dad. All the possibilities, the future, the sweet, long future. I'm like a drug addict, I want to breath the newness, consume the joy for little Cash. No matter what it does to me. I pay for it dearly. Very dearly.

Some people would question my sanity wanting to subject myself to that pain willingly. I can't help it. Believe me, it is not easy, it costs me dearly for those few moments with Cash. The usual tightness in my chest become a vice, threatening my ability to breath, my heart's capability to beat. My breath is slowly squeezed out of me and I lack the strength to inhale the next breath. The dark, ugly spot in my heart aches and throbs for Nicole and I's loss. The blackness threatening to consume me completely. The crushing weight of what we have had to endure and accept driving me to despair. The lost things, his smile, his eyes, his kisses, his laugh, his happy spirit despite his limits physically, the future things never experienced. The first step, hugs, wrestling together, riding a bike, swimming, the list goes on and on.

Thanks Cash, for showing me that my heart can still function, despite the pain.

TEENAGERS!!


I'm tired. But I'm fighting hard. I can feel the crushing weight of my grief closing in on me. I don't want to succumb to it again today. Yesterday I managed to prop the grief up by keeping busy and pushing it back with shear stubbornness. But this morning I'm tired.


Nicole is stressing bad. It is TAKs time, you teachers out there know what that means. With everything, Nicole isn't bearing up under the pressure very well this time. She has always been able to shrug it off in past years. Sometimes I worry about her. But I'm sure she worries about me too.




You Know, of all the boys, Luke's personality is the most like me. Lord knows I love him very much, but I will be honest, I just don't know if he is going to survive to see 14 years old. Arrgghh! I would really like to know when I stopped being the greatest Dad in the world, to being the worlds dumbest person. I told him last night to get into bed early because he was taking a TAKS writing test today. When I got home, the first thing that I found was everyone getting dressed except for Luke. He was still sleeping. Nicole informed me that he was still awake and wandering around the house at 11 pm last night. I lost it! But in typical teenage logic, I am wrong and mistreating him, being cruel and unfair. I love him dearly, I swear though, I promised myself that when I was a Dad I would give my children all the self confidence and individuality that I lack as a young man. It is brutal! My boys speak up and talk back sometimes in ways that just knock the wind out of me. I have to stop and catch my breath before I overreact, remember that I want to nurture that self confidence to speak up for themselves, not squash them or make them timid. But they sometimes shock me. I would never have had the guts to speak to my father like they do to me sometimes. The balancing act is instilling a respect for others into that self confidence. Sometimes, like this morning, I really wonder if I'm creating monsters. Freaks that won't be able to recognize when to hold their tongues and think before they speak. I hope Luke's difficulty with this concept is just his age and not a side effect of my parenting choices. Man! I'm getting OLD!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

It's Baseball Season.....


I tell you what, Nicole is the best Mom ever! Here it is Sunday and instead of sitting around on her butt, Nicole is loading up not just Seth, but Seth and Riley for a whole afternoon of baseball practice. Seth is in the second year of the PeeWee level and Riley is in the Coach-pitch level. It's great! They are so excited. Seth's team is the Cardinals and he has had two practices so far and he is really looking forward to this season. That is good. We as a family really need for this to be a good family distraction. Last season was such a disappointment. Seth didn't like his coach, didn't get to play catcher all season and just didn't enjoy himself at all. Which had a huge impact on our family dynamic. Nicole hated going to Seth's game because of the situation with the coach and also Grey was having feeding problems (Milk allergy we thought) so she wanted to stay at home with Grey. I resented this, because I missed the family time and I had to do all the games by myself. (Poor me! Don't you feel sorry for me?)


Riley is on the Astros and today is his first practice. Seth has practice again today after Riley's, so it is going to be a long afternoon for them all. What a Mom! And she is also bearing up under the added strain that some of the people at Riley's practice might not have heard about Grey's death. Dealing with peoples shock and amazement about Grey's is really hard, even for me.

Thank you, Nicole. Thank you for always putting the boys first. I Love you so much and you make me proud to be your husband everyday.


Have fun Boys! Do great at practice!