Life and It's Firsts

To all you wonderful Mother's out there, I would like to say, a heartfelt - late - but still a heartfelt Happy Mother's Day.



I spent a great amount of time thinking lately about life. I guess that it is something that, as the Father of a child that has died, comes as an unwanted and uncontrollable reflex. I almost never spend anytime thinking about life or it's fragility before, that's for sure. Now I find myself lost in deep thoughts constantly, involuntarily. I keep looking for some form of control that I can magically exercise. I so love to be in control.

Yesterday was a hard day.

I hate to see my loved ones in pain, especially when I can't do anything to help.

Life is all about FIRSTS.

First smile; first step; first bath, first birthday; first day of school.

Life continues to be about firsts after the death of a child,.... First morning without Grey; first day; first holiday.... on and on and on.

Yesterday was a tough first.

Nicole's first Mother's Day after Grey.

Unless you as we have lost one of your children, you can't understand.

I love Nicole completely. I'm still learning that just because you love someone, doesn't mean that you can protect them.

As hard as it was for me yesterday watching Nicole struggle with all of the emotions that she is having, I get it.

Mother's and Father's Days are about celebrating the fact that God gives us the beautiful force of good and love, our Mother's and Father's.

But for Nicole and I, these days are like a stinging insect and having absolutely no way of killing or shooing it away. As much as I get what Nicole is feeling, I am powerless to do anything but hold her and listen.

Helpless. That's how it feels.

This to is a first for Nicole and I.