The other day, a father that I have been corresponding with sent me the following message:
"How do you make it through the day? It is so hard, I just can't get through some days."
My heart aching, I can totally sympathize with him. His loss is fresher that mine, his little boy only gone a few months, but I recognize and feel the pain that he is talking about. The pain makes you crazy and sure that if you take one more breath, your chest will surely burst. And instead of finding your heart, only a huge, gaping wound staring back from your empty chest. The sadness and pain can be crippling, paralyzing. I consumes very thought and breath totally. Tasks temporarily deaden and distract you from the pain, but it is constantly your companion and quickly returns.
This Father's plea for hope tore at me. I so wanted to be able to tell him that everything will be alright, that he will make it. The truth is, I can't. There are days still that I just don't know how I will manage to carry on. On the 12 th of this October, it was 10 months since our Grey died. I had a very rough time. I tried to blog, and wound up deleting it after trying to express my feeling for a couple of hours. Sometimes I just can't put into words what I am feeling. I just hurt too much.
I miss him too much.
I want to hold him too much.
In the end, all I could do was send this father a few empty words about trying to concentrate on supporting his wife, remembering the good memories and making time to fall apart.
Sounds pretty empty to me too.
How I wish I had the answers, for me as well as him.