Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Just Broken.

How are you and the family doing?

It's a pretty common question. All of us ask it when we run into friends that we haven't seen of heard from for a while. It is almost a reflex.


The thing is, for me, nothing is normal, and I really am beginning to doubt that things will ever be normal again. My counselor tells me that I am stuck, broken and stuck, and that I will remain so until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired. If it didn't hurt so much it would almost sound like one of those jokes like "Who's on first?" She says that I need to be patient with myself and that I will continue to proceed though my grief in a manner that is right for me. Until then, she says to fake it. For the sake of family and close friends, fake it.

Fake that I am able to function?

Fake that I am not ready to scream all of the time?

Fake that work is just tedious at best?

Fake that I am happy?


I really think that she means that I need to fake that I am dealing with the loss of my Grey. Fake that every breath doesn't burn with grief and guilt.

Fake that the fact that he has started to feel like a dream is making me lose my mind!

Fake that I remember what it feels like to have him melt into my arms.

Fake that I am not alone.

Fake that I know what I am doing.

Broken. There is no other way to describe how I feel. Loving him hurts. Missing him hurts. Knowing that my boys and my darling Nicole are missing him hurts. Knowing that Nicole is faking it for me hurts. She still cries herself to sleep at night sometimes.


I wish I knew how to proceed from here. I am away from home and my wife most of the nights during the week. It is almost as if Nicole and I are just dating. We see each other less that people that are dating. This can't be healthy for our marriage. But she never complains. She is always supportive.


I wish I knew where things are going from here.

Thank God that I have my family.

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