Saturday, December 5, 2009

Last Year We Lived It... Now We Are Feeling It...

Broken and lost, raw and bare.

Simple words. The meaning of these words to my family right now are anything but.

This time last year we had to endure and master the unendureable, the unmasterable. A nightmare come to life, pain personified.

Endure we did, together, but forever changed.

I for one am still learning just how much.

December the 3rd was my 41st birthday. It is a day that I have been dreading. One year ago, we had our last family get together at my sister Adrienne's house and celebrated my birthday. Grey was his shining self. Despite the terrible disease that was ravaging his tiny body, he was bright and beautiful, smiling and sweet. I miss his loving looks and eyes, but I am proud that he too saw that love in our eyes for him.

I think I am most proud of that. The fact that he never knew what was coming. All he knew was that he was loved so much. His spirit was beautiful and it poured out of his smile and his eyes in abundance.

When the long dreaded day of my birthday arrived, first, after ushering Nicole and the boys off to school, I allowed myself to wallow in my pain. After the tears stopped, I was amazed and relieved to realize that my pride and thankfulness that I got to be Greyson's Daddy has now overtaken the strength of my grief. I am still broken, still sad, but better for it.

I think that I did learn about true and complete love. I learned it from Grey. I am finally able to thank God again for giving me Greyson. I haven't been able to for a very long time.

Daddy Loves You Greyson! Always and Forever.

To all of you that know and are dear to us, I thank you for your understanding and love. Please know the Nicole, the boys, and I will make okay because of your help. This is not to say that this journey is over. It is hard to describe, but we are reliving each day of last year again this year. I thought that it was only me, but Nicole has confided to me that she too is having this experience. Each day is full of "at this exact time last year..." Some of you are also experiencing some of this too.

Please know that your friendship honors us. We are better for it. I am better for it.

And from me to a certain friend, your respect humbles me and I hope to continue to deserve it, to earn it as you have earned and deserve my respect and admiration. Thank you for your kind words, they have given me strength.

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