What To Do Now?

I really didn't think that I would be at this point yet. Done.

Things have gone amazingly well. The support that Nicole, the boys and I have received from our family and friends is overwhelming. It just dumbfounds me. I am so thankful to everyone that has shown such love for Greyson, and for us because of his death. It just makes my heart swell with emotion. It is a very humbling experience to be faced with the unabashed love of others. Your family, you just expect and take for granted, until an experience like this. But friends? Most of us go through our lives not really knowing how much our "friends" truly care. Greyson's death has change that for me. It has changed me, completely.

Completely.

The first few weeks after we lost Greyson, Nicole and I started talking about what we were going to do next. Before we knew that Greyson was terminal, Nicole had signed up to get her masters in education; we were determined to not let Greyson's illness stop us from continuing our lives. We were going to handle it and still accomplish things too. With Grey gone, she was thinking of proceeding as planned. The course is supposed to start sometime in August, I think. However, she was very concerned about me in particular, I am no longer a "Mister Mom." For the past 10 years we have made the kids our priority. Nicole's job so that she is off when the kids are off, working when they are in school. Me, we decided would change my schedule so that none of the boys had to do daycare. We had experimented with daycare with Luke, but Seth's PKU and dietary restrictions just made daycare an impossibility. Too risky. So my schedule was changed to make it so I could be home with the younger kids while Nicole and the older boys were at school. Nights and weekends. "Mister Mom" the rest of the time. Watching first, Seth, then Seth and Riley, then Riley, then Riley and Greyson, then just Greyson. Now, "Mister Mom" is unemployed, obsolete. Nicole wanted me to find something to do with myself. Either change my schedule or another project to focus on. She suggested that I go back to school. I had always talked about completing my Nursing education. She felt that now, was the perfect time. I had to admit, she made sense. No real good reason not too. But, I dragged my feet. Too numb. No motivation. I kept making excuses as to why not. I think that Nicole knew, as I did that I wasn't ready. I needed time.

I know that I really worried Nicole those first few weeks after she and the boys all went back to school after the Christmas holiday break. I just shut down. I was obsessed by researching Krabbes Disease and why Greyson wasn't screened. But mostly, I just sat. On the couch that I was laying on when Grey died in my arms, the small couch that I sat holding his body waiting for the funeral home to come, in his room on the floor. Tears. Lots of tears. I think that the time alone was important. Nicole didn't agree, but she let me do what I wanted. I don't know. I have always been a person, probably because I was raised in a house full of girls, that has never run from my feelings. I have always turned and faced them.

Just as the depression started to take over, my baby sister Adrienne took charge. I had mentioned to her in the last week of Greyson's life that I needed his death to change things, to matter. To her credit and I will never be able to thank her enough, she drug me out of the house and up to Austin to a meeting with the Chief of Staff, Maureen for Representative Paula Pierson. The Legislative secession was just starting and Texas only has secessions every 2 years. So started the journey that we have just completed, with great success! Greyson's Law! When I waded into the quagmire of the political system, a strange thing happened. The fact that I was fighting for Grey's memory, to make his death mean something, talking about him, telling people his story, I didn't have to let him go. I could still hold onto him.

Don't get me wrong, I am proud, completed somehow, because of our success in establishing Greyson's Law. Because of Greyson, 150 babies a year will be identified and receive the care that they need before it's too late. That's HUGE! What a legacy! Nicole and I feel that, this is why God gave Greyson to us.

What now? I'm feeling lost again. I can feel the depression lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce, to smother me. I have a decision to make. I may not want to, but I do all the same. I can't remain lost. Nicole and the boys need me. I owe them more.

I owe Greyson more. He did his part so well. He was always happy, and loved us and life completely. He took what he got and made it special. I have to do the same. I have to be strong. I have to LIVE! I don't want to be just the father that lost his baby boy. I want to make Greyson, Luke, Seth, Riley and Nicole proud of me.

I want to be proud of me.

I will always be Greyson's Dad. Forever!

Something is happening. I don't know what, I am almost scared to acknowledge it, for fear that it will disappear.

An itch is starting. Nicole has been talking about me going to school again. Maybe I can make a difference too. Maybe my legacy is supposed to be more than ..... Greyson's Dad.

What do I do now? I wonder. This itch is one that I just might have to scratch.......