Unconditional Love....

I will admit it freely. I am very broken and I have been going to grief counseling pretty much since Greyson died.

Growing up, I never thought much about the whole grief and living thing. You know, when your a kid, the only people that die are grandparents, and they are, just expected to at some point. My parents always approached it as, "Yes it is sad for us that Nonnie is up in heaven, but she lived a full life and she was very old and, it was her time to go to heaven." The logic and natural order of life was just, ...... reassuring and, natural. I was sad, but happy for my grandparent because, they had been ill, no more pain, no more fighting the fight. They had earned their rest.

Death was a natural part of life.

How innocent! How perfect! I never realized how sheltered and protected I was as an child growing up. I never had to experience the lose of a parent or a sibling. No one that I loved had their life cut short. I never had to experience a TRAGIC death, I was untouched by tragedy.

I feel that I have failed as a parent. My boys have lost the innocence of their life. They have felt tragedy. They now know that death can visit anyone of us at anytime, the fragility that is life. Luke, Seth and Riley have been robbed!

In grief counseling today, I finally told my group what I have come to believe since our returning from the Hunter's Hope Symposium in Buffalo, NY. I have told myself and I think that I blogged about it once...

Greyson was love. His spirit just radiated love. Love of life, love of waking up each morning, love of family, love for ...... me.

I thought back about each and every time that I would walk in the door after working the night shift and Greyson would literally shake in anticipation when he saw me. Because nothing worked, he would become stiff and smile the most beautiful smile that I have ever seen. There he was, unable to move, unable to play and he was happy because I was there. I would pick him up and everything was perfect in the world. He was happy and content. We were attached.

I have come to the realization that Greyson was not giving to us without reward. Yes, his love for me, Nicole and his brothers and his Nana, was great and given freely.

But we.

We.

We were filling him up with our complete acceptance, our love of him just as he was. He was able to give to us unconditional love because we loved him unconditionally. Without regret or remorse. WE LOVED HIM!

Attached is a picture that has become very special to me. At first, I wasn't very thrilled with this picture, It was taken at my 40th birthday only 2 weeks before we lost Grey. In it you can see that Grey was getting much weaker. But his smile and love are strong and bright as ever. To me, the name Greyson has come to mean, a shooting star of love.....