Reality Just Stinks!

Monday was the first day of school for the boys. Riley and Seth were so excited. Luke was the calm, old pro and to his credit was very patient with his younger bothers and their very loud and overwhelming enthusiasm.

Good Job Luke! You make me so proud.

I feel guilty though. Maybe that is why I haven't blogged about it until today. I forced myself to wear a smile and to be excited, but in truth, my heart was struggling mightily just to function. It all came crashing in on me again.

Firsts....

A lifetime of firsts unfulfilled.

It all seems as a dream. My arms ache and barely remember what it was to hold him. No first step. No first day of school, ever! My poor little boy! I couldn't protect you. How I wish I could have. I would have given my life to spare you what you had to endure.

I never understood the human capacity to dwell on things. I have been around death and the dying in my career on several occasions. I always wondered about some peoples tendencies to wind up stuck after the death of a loved one.

I get it now!

I love all of my children. This is a unalterable Truth. Nothing will ever change this fact. I worry sometimes that I become too overwhelmed by my feelings of grief. I wish that I could be more like Riley. I have lost count of the times that he and I have been hanging out and He will suddenly put his head on my heart and say,

"I miss Grey."

This always wrenches my heart. I ache for the realization that Grey wasn't the only one of my children that I could not protect, my children have had their innocence ripped from them.

It always lasts only for moments, and then, Riley will jump up and say,

"Love you Dad! I'm going to go play!"

Wow! Just like that he has processed his grief, recognized it and moved onto something else. The strength of children has always shocked me. Grey showed it. Riley and Luke and Seth are shining examples of it. Each of them grieves Greyson's loss in his own way, but they also have the ability to let that grief go and continued to live. We adults could learn from their example.