My Head is Swimming!

I haven't blogged in weeks.

I think the last time I even thought about it was late one night at work; not always my best of times, my thoughts very susceptible to despair and grief. I distinctly remember feeling a growing apprehension about the up coming Hunter's Hope Family Symposium. What kind of people were we going to meet, would my grief and newness to loss make me unable to handle my emotions? Would we fit in? The rapidity of Greyson's disease progression made many of the choices we had to make painful and stressful. Would the other parents at the Symposium understand and except our decisions and respect them in regards to choosing to not prolong Greyson's life?

We were also flying out to Buffalo, NY on the dreaded 12th of the month. Exactly 8 months to the day since our sweet boy left us. I have never placed much stock in superstitions or "bad days" per sae, but the 12th of each month is a very difficult day for me, my thoughts never far from Greyson, my eyes forever flitting back to the clock to see if it is yet 2:08 pm.

That is not to say that I was dreading our trip. I must admit, I found myself actually excited at times. I have been feeling increasingly secluded, not wanting to burden Nicole, my best friend, my confidante with my despair and grief. She has so much of her own to handle. I just don't feel right unloading my crap onto her. I know! I know! I need someone to confide in too. Someone that will just listen and be a sympathetic ear for me to get rid of the poison that comes from grief. Nicole has told me before that she worries about me, because my work cuts me off from others. My only contacts besides her and the boys are my clients, and I definitely DO NOT need to be sharing my grief with them. Many of them are dealing with their own stresses. I am to provide respite for them, not weigh them down with my problems. I must admit, I do not have any close, close friends, at least not the kind that I would be able to lean on for support. This is not to say that I am short on people that care for me and want to help me. I am hard to get to know and I have grown over the years apart from all of my personal friends. Besides family, all of my friends were Nicole's friends first.... I feel that she should take priority with them over me.

No one really ever asks me how I am doing anymore. My sisters have stopped calling and are busy with their families. Nicole has enough to deal with. My best friends have disappeared or are too busy with their lives. I have never made friends easily. I do feel that I need to make it clear that I do not want to hurt any one's feelings. So many people have been nothing but wonderful to me and my family.

I just don't feel like I have access to someone with whom I can completely open and blunt with. I want to be able to rant, rave, scream, be angry at God and swear and not have the person that I am sharing my feelings with commit me to a loony bin or run away in terror. Nicole can not give me that right now. No grieving Mother could. Let's face it, I grew up in a house filled with and run by women. I shock many other men with how comfortable I am facing my feelings and emotions head on. I had a gay man that knew me once tell me that emotionally I was also a gay man. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? Because I don't wall off my feelings, and am straight, I am weird?

I have been trying group counseling, but it just isn't working for me. How do I make another grieving father understand that I lost my bud, my baby, my sweet little boy that loved me completely and unconditionally, when they have never experienced such love? Greyson loved me just as me, and I loved him just the way he was no matter what. He was love.

I am lost without him... I miss holding that love in my arms and feeling him snuggle in and melt into me, gaining safety and security from me.

The good news is that Nicole and I found ourselves taken in as family at the symposium and it was nice being around people that just know and understand where we are and what we have experienced. I really thought that I might have made a connection with a couple of other father's there, that remains to be seen.

Grey,

I love and miss you son. Each and every day I am more and more proud of the job you did teaching me my role in this world and showing me the path that I have and the work I need to finish. Words will never do what I feel justice.

Love,

Ah! Da!

This is Nicole and I with Jim Kelly and his Mother -in- law Jacque Waggner. We have given them a symbol of Greyson's Law in Texas.