Can You Say.... Envy?

I'm frustrated.

I consider myself a reasonable person. I guess thats why the feelings and thought processes that I have been experiencing since Grey's death are so troubling. I feel like standing on the tallest mountain and screaming at the top of my lungs that "Life Sucks!!" Don't I sound reasonable?

I know that it had to happen eventually. I just wasn't ready I guess. All of our friends and family members have been so wonderful to us. Supportive, patient and loving. I needed that more that anything. But slowly, surely, some of them are starting to call less often, not check as frequently. Some never did. I guess that they didn't know what to say, how to feel, how to face us and our pain. That okay. I get it. Life goes on.

But not for me....

I'm frozen. I really thought that I was starting to deal with the grief, handle the pain, through things like this blog, purge myself of the sadness. I see now that I was just fooling myself. It's not going to be that easy. Not yet, maybe never.

Now I have to find a way to deal with a new feeling, envy. I envy everyone that I know, for they have a normal to go back too. For them time has presented that reality that is : LIFE GOES ON.

Great!! Pain, Grief, then guilt, and now envy! I'm running out of places to put all these emotions! I finally had to admit to myself that I'm blowing it! I just can't do this alone. I'm not being any support to Nicole and the kids. I'm too focused on myself and trying to find some way to balance it all.

Yea! Right! Like I would trust someone in my position to keep it together. I would be sending them to see a grief counselor.

So I have my answer. It's time to get some direction. A fresh perspective.

Do I really want to know if I'm as crazy as I think I am?

Oh Crap!