Date Night

I wouldn't call what I did yesterday sleep. I think it was more akin to a coma. I don't remember a thing. I had intended to sleep until about 1 pm and then get up and do a few things around the house, blog about the day at the capital. But my body revolted against any plans that involved awakening at a certain time and doing any chores. So I woke up at 10 min until 4 pm. Sleeping like that during the day is very disorienting. I had a moment of panic like I used to get when I was sleeping at nap time with Greyson. Had I overslept, did Greyson wake up sooner that me? Did he roll off my chest? Is he OK?......

Oh God! Not again......

It's like losing him all over again.....Tightness, the crushing weight of grief..... And something new. I have started experiencing a new sensation as I struggle against the waves of emotions.

GUILT?!

Are you kidding? The tightness and crushing sadness make sense to me, but guilt? I don't get it. But it's defiantly there, gnawing at my nerves. Really!? The sadness and pain at losing him is not enough? I have to have guilt now too? I have been struggling with doubt and that doubt is playing right into the guilt.

Am I sure that I didn't notice something that could have alerted us about his illness in time to save him?

Why wasn't I more aggressive with the doctors about what they called "laziness"?

I knew something was wrong with Grey, why did I doubt those feeling?

Why am I not sad more?

Why can I function? Why do I not hurt more? Did I not love him as much as I thought?

These questions threaten my sanity. Make me feel as though I might snap at any moment.

Oh! Crap! Nicole will be home soon! We are supposed to go out on a date night. Struggling to regain control of myself and shelter her from my pain and doubt. Hockey. We are going to the Rampage game. No sad thoughts allowed for the whole date. YEA RIGHT! Like that is going to happen.

Still, spending good time with Nicole is something I desperately need. I miss her. I know that she is hurting and trying to hold things together too.

Here's to Date Night!