Cash..... Beautiful Future

Sweet, sweet pain..... beautiful possibilities lost forever.....
Sometimes we human are a bit sadistic. That quality that causes a traffic jam because everyone has to see the drama. We are like that with things that cause us pain.... Nicole has a dear friend that she works with,... she has the most beautiful little baby boy..... Cash... He has the most amazing eyes and a great smile. He is so precious!! I really enjoy seeing him when he is up at the school with his Mom... But I dread seeing him too....

When I'm around Cash, the amazing beauty that is life floods into me. I thank God for babies and that Cash is happy and healthy. His smile lights the sputtering pilot light that is my joy and happiness, his awkward unsteady gait reminding me of all the possibilities of a young, fresh life. All the tears, smiles, scraps, boo-boos, laughs, squeals of delight and fear, all the wonderful treasures of having a small infant in your life. For a brief moment, very brief, I remember what joy I felt in being Grey's Dad. All the possibilities, the future, the sweet, long future. I'm like a drug addict, I want to breath the newness, consume the joy for little Cash. No matter what it does to me. I pay for it dearly. Very dearly.

Some people would question my sanity wanting to subject myself to that pain willingly. I can't help it. Believe me, it is not easy, it costs me dearly for those few moments with Cash. The usual tightness in my chest become a vice, threatening my ability to breath, my heart's capability to beat. My breath is slowly squeezed out of me and I lack the strength to inhale the next breath. The dark, ugly spot in my heart aches and throbs for Nicole and I's loss. The blackness threatening to consume me completely. The crushing weight of what we have had to endure and accept driving me to despair. The lost things, his smile, his eyes, his kisses, his laugh, his happy spirit despite his limits physically, the future things never experienced. The first step, hugs, wrestling together, riding a bike, swimming, the list goes on and on.

Thanks Cash, for showing me that my heart can still function, despite the pain.