I Wonder

I tried not too....

No matter how hard I tried, the thoughts kept squeezing thru every wall I placed in front of them. It's not that they were completely unpleasant, but painful all the same.

How old would he be now?

What would he be doing?

What would he have liked most about today?

Which game would be his favorite?

Would he play well with other kids his age?

Would he have thrown a fit when it was time to leave?

Would he be scared of strangers?

How coordinated would he be by now?

Would he be walking yet?

Today was a nice day. Today was my sweet little niece Natalie's birthday. My sister and her husband had a mermaid birthday party for her a one of those Playscapes places. There were kids of all ages everywhere! Running, playing, having meltdowns, squealing in delight. It was the best kind of ciaos. I really love kids. I love being around them, watching them explore the world, test themselves. Before I knew what was happening, I was staring at a new (3 week old) baby. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. I am positive that I totally freaked that Mom out. Some weirdo staring at her baby, looking like God knows what? Was my face screwed up in pain? I don't think I cried, did I?

After watching the kids for awhile, I realized that I was playing a torturous game. One that I, in no way could win. I was trying to picture in my mind what Greyson would be doing at this party if he had never been sick, never died.

What would he be doing?
What would he have liked most about today?
Which game would be his favorite?
Would he play well with other kids his age?
Would he have thrown a fit when it was time to leave?
Would he be scared of strangers?
How coordinated would he be by now?
Would he be walking yet?

My eyes found Nicole across the room. She was watching the newborn baby as though she was mesmerized by him. I felt a twinge of the same old tightness in my chest, I hate to see Nicole hurting. I made my way over to where she was, and just laid my hand on her back. I could feel the quivering tremors that always proceed tears. But her face was so composed, still. I asked her if she was alright and she just whispered, "hard to be here, you know?" The tightness in my chest became a spasm. I know.....

Later in the party I was sitting with my Dad talking. Nicole made her way over to me and sat beside me. After a few quite moments, She leaned over and asked, " I wonder what Grey would be like."

Gods!. At times it is scary how alike Nicole and I think.

I wonder..........???