Our Endless Journey

Sleep.

Anyone who really knows me would brace themselves before saying that particular word in my presence. It is definitely worse that any curse word. I have always had this endless struggle with the specter that is sleep. For me it is not just this natural part of life to be embraced. It is a foe, ruthless as they come that I must constantly match wits and strengths with day in and day out. I hate sleeping. I think it is the biggest waste of our most precious of possessions, time. The things that we humans miss while we are sleeping. Just being!

Existence. Loving, spending... time.. with our loved ones.

That time that we wasted sleeping is lost forever. Never to be regained. We humans are finite in nature. Our time here in this life is limited, some believe pre-ordained. It drives me nuts that the good Lord decided to then rob us of such a HUGE portion of that limited and most precious of gifts that he has bestowed to us. Everyday we are afflicted again, we are struck down and forced to surrender our most prized possession, time... Never to regain it back. It is gone. Forever.

Lately, I have been going over the last year frame by frame in the epic film of "William C. Morris, This is your Life!!" The seething anger that resides inside my heart coils, lurching back and forth hissing and spiting at me as I replay my time with my Grey Grey. My anger threatens to break free and engulf me as I think of all the times spent holding and snuggling with him when I dozed off to sleep instead of savoring every second! Breathing in his scent, feeling his soft hair and skin, the soft rhythm of his breathing. Believe ME! the irony of the whole thing is not lost to me. My favorite times with Grey was when he was snuggled in my arms, sleeping on my chest. But the perfect picture is shattered! EVERY TIME I dozed off! I lost my moments to the Old Specter. I can almost hear him mocking me!

The Specter continues his torture by dangling the lure of possible dream of my boy! He is a crafty adversary. My victories against him are fleeting at best, pointless at worst. He forces me to repay my victories steeply, robbing me of huge chunks of time after I have defied him for large periods of time. He is always there tempting me with the most precious of lures, dreams of Grey. I should know better, so far he has only paid up once. And only fleeting at that. All too brief.

Despair.

The Old Specter is ruthless. He has joined forces with the Ugly Troll that is my grief. They make a effective and dynamic duo. I very much feel like the worn out old punching bag in the gym, beaten and bruised, discolored and torn, patched with duct tape and stitches. The Old Specter is very crafty and sharp. He wears me down and just as I am forcing him to tap out, he tags in his partner, Grief. A ugly nasty troll that grabs me by my heart and turns me into that punching bag, holding me by my heart, squeezing ever tighter as I struggle to free myself, dodge, get away. Mockingly the Troll slaps me senseless with his free hand, until I become a raw, sobbing mess, unable to resist as the Old Specter tags back in. One..., Two...., Three.! He smothers me into submission and tags back in the Troll, who goes right back to squeezing my heart into submission.

Beaten and bruised, I find myself in the waking moments each day wondering, why fight on? Why continues this endless journey? There is no end in sight. I don't think that there is a end. I think that until the day I die, I will be tortured this way day in and day out. I just pray that when my journey ends, I will be worthy to join my boy, my Grey. That is my purpose, that is why I will fight the battle day in and day out. Why I will continued the battles, fight the war! Because in the end, if I can earn my place at the good Lord's table with my Grey, I will have won that war despite all of the lost battles.

Here's to fighting the good fight! Bring It ON!!

Ah! DA! Loves you Grey. I will WIN! We will be together someday! But you probably already know that, don't you?