Is It Magic? Or Just Memories?

Home.

It is 1 am on Monday, March 16, 2009. It is 3 months and 4 days since our world was changed forever. No! Changed doesn't describe it. It was as if a huge hole punch was driven into my chest and one of the most important parts of my heart was ripped out in an instant. The hole that has been left behind, aching, empty, echoing with the possibilities to never be. His specter resides there, running, jumping, playing, reaching for me for hugs, the vastness ringing with the silence never to be broken by squeals of joy, pain, fear.

A vacuum, black void. Once filled with the bright light of joy and future, years to come. Now the entire universe is but a speck. The blackness is taking on a presence of it's own. When I'm busy or with others, it retreats into the vacuum, hiding from view and my consciousness. But it bursts forth to wrap me in it's smothering embrace in my moments of solitude and reflection. It's crushing weight endangering my ability to breathe. I find myself longing for the return of the blackness and crushing weight when it is gone.

In the first days after Grey's death in my arms, I would swear when I closed my eyes, that I could feel Grey there still, smell his hair. The feeling would return to me in my moments alone. And to my relief, returns to me still.

Is it magic that I can feel his head on my chest still? Magic that I feel his face pressed against my chest on the space my tattoo now resides? Magic or is it just memories?

Honestly, I don't care. I need it as my lungs need air.

GREY! AH! DA! LOVES YOU!!!