Many of you out there read my wife Nicole's blog at http://www.greysgift.blogspot.com/. And have done so even before you started to read mine. I have always been blown away at the number of people that follow Nicole. She has 43 people that follow her and subscribe to her blog on blogspot, meaning that they are notified when she posts a new blog. I think that at the beginning, she and I both started our blogs to help us process our feelings and let those that care about us know how we are doing. At first we were both using it to vent the burdens that go along with losing Greyson.
Now, Nicole actually started her blog right after we received word from the Doctor that Greyson was terminal. She opened herself up and shared everything that happened during Grey's last days. Very powerful stuff.
I was much slower to join in. I came from a family background that involved allowing one's emotions govern your moods and actions. I have had in some ways a much harder time dealing with Greyson's death. Not because it hurts more or I loved him more that Nicole, because I have always been much more likely to see the negative side of things instead of the positive. For me emotions have the power to effect my interactions with others and affect my personality. For me worrying about something is just a natural step in the process. If I don't worry and obsess about something in the right amount, then I think that I didn't care about it in the right way or amount. A bit obsessive huh?
That's just how I always have been. Nicole is not like that at all. She is truly the sun to my moon. While everything is dark and foreboding for me, it is bright and hopeful for her. I have been trying to learn from her our entire marriage and I am proud to say that I have made great strides to improve on this in myself. You would have to ask Nicole for confirmation. I do have an annoying tendency to assume to much sometimes and take things for granted. However, one the primary ways that my "glass half empty" personality quirk still dominates me is when I am down or sad, and it really comes out and rears its ugly head in my blogging.
I have come to blog the most when I am down and missing Greyson terribly. The sadness just takes over. I don't have to tell you that, do I? Those of you that are still following this train wreck of a blog know that anyway! I made the decision while I was holding Greyson in my arms those last few days, that I would attempt to express to anyone interested the depth of my grief and the magnitude of my love for Grey. That is why I started to blog shortly after his death. I have driven many away because they find my pain too much to bear. And yes, the competitive side of me chafes at the fact that Nicole has such a larger following that do I.
In the truest sense though, it is not the fact that people are drawn to Nicole blogging that gets me. It is Nicole's ability to see the beauty and the good in our losing Grey. She has this complete faith that Greyson is in heaven and visits often. Not only that, but she has noticed things that convince her that Grey is dropping hints that he is indeed visiting and remains close. I find myself feeling left out that I can not see. I struggle with my inability to sense that he is near and happy. I find myself doubting how Greyson can be alright with out us.
There wasn't a minute that Greyson didn't want to be held, and nothing that couldn't be fixed by his Mommy and Daddy's arms. Doubt creeps in and shakes me. How can Greyson be okay without us there to take care of him and hold him?
It has been months and months since I have had any kind of dream about my son. I haven't seen him or felt him. I miss him. And yes, I envy Nicole that she has. I am glad, but I still wish that I could too.
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