Wrapping My Mind Around It....

It is approaching.

It is only 7 days away.

I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around it. I have never been one of those people that dreads a particular day of the week, month or year. I never gave it much thought. In the past I have always found myself shaking my head at people complaining about the day that they hate.

I'm not shaking my head anymore. Every month, on the 12th day, I relive hell on earth. I dread it's coming, and once here, I don't want it to pass. It's going to be 9 months this time. SHIT! 9 months.

I keep trying to tell myself lately that I just need to force my mind to see it another way. I need to remind myself how Greyson would be suffering if he was still here. That his smiles would be gone by now and he wouldn't be able to respond to us anymore. His spirit was amazing, but it too would have sub come to the ravages of Krabbes Disease. His spirit could no more have continued to overcome his disease than I could keep him here. Isn't this hole in my heart worth knowing that he died on his terms, still able to smile and give kisses?

Yes.

I have been torturing myself pretty relentlessly lately.

Going over each and every step and action that we took with Greyson, every decision that we made and the results.

And I have come to the same conclusion that I do every time. I would do everything exactly the SAME! I would not change a THING!

I admit, I have cursed myself because of this conclusion. How can I be so selfish as to not want to prevent Greyson's suffering?

I keep coming up with the same answer. I needed him in my life.

I like who I am now because of him.

Yes, I hate hurting!

Yes, I miss him!

Yes, I still cry myself to sleep on occasion.

I have to continue to try to master the lesson that my boy taught me. Living!

Greyson LIVED!

He loved every day that he opened his eyes. He took it for what we adults have forgotten, a blessing!

A gift from God!

I want to learn to look at each day that way..

I want to look at life like Greyson...

I'm flunking out right now, but I will continue to study until I learn the lesson that Greyson taught us all.....

I will learn to live...