Who ME? Yup! Selfish!

Sometimes looking the mirror can be an uncomfortable experience.




These past couple of weeks, I have been a mess. Every morning I spend on the "this time last year" pity party that I have organized for myself as a routine for the count - down to the one year anniversary of Greyson's death.





Misery...





That's been my focus these past couple of weeks.




I had been attending a Grief Counseling Group for the past few weeks. It was, not a good fit. I found myself doing and behaving in a manner very unlike me.



I bailed.



I didn't call. I didn't step up and say that I was quitting. I just didn't show up. I have never been so irresponsible. NEVER.



Probably should have been my first clue.



Last week, at the insistence of Nicole and our grief counselor, I met with Nicole and the counselor at Nicole's scheduled appointment. I had to take the boys home, so I was late. I had some hard venting moments. It wasn't pretty. I guess that I have been bottling up some things. The thing that I harped on this particular secession was the fact that I was not only grieving the loss of the most pure, loving soul I have ever been blessed by, but the fact that I was being forced by our genetics to stop having children. For the past 10 years I have identified myself as the "Mr. Mom" staying at home with the boys so that we don't have to do daycare. Let me just put it this way, I have some anger issues about being forced to end this chapter of our lives in an, as I see it, premature way. We are being forced to stop having children because of not wanting to subject another baby to Krabbes Disease.









Not only have I lost my sweet little boy, but have lost my identity, Stay at Home Dad.






In retrospect, This must have had a huge impact on Nicole. Seeing me so distraught over losing our son and also having to accept no more babies was too much. She denies it, but not 2 days later, my darling wife Nicole offered me something more precious than any treasure. She offered me.....



To try one last time. She told me that really, what's a 25% chance of having another Krabbes Baby?



She, as broken hearted and grieving as she is, so wanted to see me happy and not miserable, that she was willing to tempt fate and give me my wish, a BABY.



A strange thing happened.



Faced with my greatest desire, I...



I saw myself. I saw myself for the first time in a long time. Not the grief, not the misery, not the poor, broken - hearted father, MYSELF.



Selfishness. I saw a very selfish man.



Nearly 3 years ago, Riley was spending his last school year at home with Dad. He would be starting Kindergarten the following year and I was scared. I liked having a baby at home with me. I liked being the father of a little baby. I adore babies. I love all children, but having a baby at home is by far, my favorite. Logically, I knew that at some point this part of our lives as a couple would be over. We aren't getting any younger after all.



Nicole was in heaven. She was totally happy. She was looking forward to having all of the boys in school and not being the couple with "little ones" anymore. Well, I had other ideas. I wanted another baby. And I had a plan to convince Nicole. We would try every trick in the book to have ourselves a little girl. At first Nicole didn't want to talk about it. It's funny, thinking back about it, I knew that I would get my way. I knew that Nicole wouldn't deny me something that I wanted this much.



I wanted. My wants. My needs.



Oh God.


All of the pain. All of the grief.



I caused it all.



If I hadn't been so selfish, Nicole would have been happy with the family that we had been blessed with. She had no unfulfilled needs, she was content. The boys were happy. Life was good. Why wasn't I content?



Now, I am not taking responsibility for Greyson's illness. Just the fact that I have indirectly caused the people I love pain. God would have shaped our lives as he saw fit. I truly believe that Nicole and I were met to be Greyson's parents. So logic would dictate that God would have given him to us anyway. Still I must grow - up. I have to accept that I am responsible for choosing to be content and happy. I am reasonable for the happiness of my family.



I told Nicole no.



We can't replace Greyson. We can't take the risk.

I am humbled.

Want other man is so blessed? What have I done to deserve such love from this woman? That she would risk herself, to tempt such pain again?


My path is clear. My goal set. I must finally accept my role as an adult. I can not longer afford to be selfish.



Nicole, the love of my life, deserves more. I love you!





And thank you.