heydad's-blog: I'm Not The Only One

Riley James Morris is our 6 year old.

I knew from the very beginning that he was special, it just took 6 years to understand how special he truly is. I love all of my boys completely and with all my heart. But as parents, we have unique relationships with each of our children. It is just natural.

6 years ago, we had just Luke and Seth. I had begun to work nights and weekends so that we could keep Seth out of daycare because of his special diet. We didn't want any accidents to happen and him to get a hold of foods that he can't have because of his PKU.

A very curious thing happened. I had not really been overly excited to be a stay at home Dad, but I had discovered that I really enjoyed the extra time with the boys. So, on a whim, a sudden moment of inspiration, I decided that we needed to have another baby. We knew about the risks of having another baby with PKU, but we decided that we needed to try and pray for the best. Besides, the baby could live a very healthy life with PKU.

Fast forward to December of 2007. We were having another baby. Again it was me wanting another and talking Nicole (wasn't hard) into doing the whole baby thing all over. Riley was ecstatic! Neither of the other boys had ever been so PUMPED about becoming a big brother. Riley just could not wait. He was amazing. When we were expecting Greyson, Riley was only 4 1/2 years old. He was a huge help to his Mommy and would watch me talking to Nicole's tummy and do it also. It was so precious and cool! (can't call a boy precious! Shh!) I had not a doubt that Riley was going to make the best big brother in the history of big brothers! He helped put the baby furniture together, helped Mommy paint the room, read books to Mommies tummy and, for a 4 year old was really quite patient about needing to wait for the baby to grow inside Mommy.

Nicole and I have talked about the things that were different for us while we were expecting Greyson. At the time we didn't understand our worries, after all we had 3 beautiful boys and PKU is manageable. Still, we had serious conversations about how we would care for a seriously ill child and what our limits would be as to insuring a certain quality of life for such a child. I just told myself it was because Nicole and I were getting older, more mature and approaching having another child the way that we should have approached having all of our children. We definitely had a much different sense of urgency and need to get things taken care of for Greyson and this urgency carried on after he was born. Nicole seem possessed. She was in a hurry for everything, starting Cereal, sitting in his highchair, getting him baptized, all of it. Try as I might, I couldn't calm her and convince her that we could slow down and enjoy. She always said, "We need to get this ____ done, that way he is really ours. We get to keep him!"

Riley must have picked up on this intensity also. He was totally devoted to his little brother. He would sit and do anything that he could think of to make Greyson smile or laugh. He would talk to him incessantly and would be instantly at Grey's side when he would start to fuss. Greyson returned Riley's love in kind. He would crane his neck to see his big brother and wait in anticipation for him to show him attention. Those of you that know us is aware that Nicole is a huge Dave Matthews Band Fan. You might know that so is Riley and Greyson was quickly following suit. When listening to music, Riley is always singing, dancing or carrying on is some way. Greyson loved this about Riley, because Riley would include him in the fun. When Greyson started to lose the ability to move, Riley was undaunted by this, he did the dancing for both of them. He would grab Greyson's arm and move them to the music. When Riley wasn't around you could see how much Greyson loved this because when a song that he and Riley would dance to would come on the radio, Greyson would stiffen in anticipation of dancing with brother.

How Greyson loved his big brothers. They were superheros to him, all of them. He adored each of them. I miss the connection between Riley and Greyson the most though. I think is is because of the fact that Riley was so proud to finally be a big brother.

I remember that shortly after Greyson died, I was holding Riley on my lap and was drying him after his bath.

Riley was very quite and suddenly, sadly, said, "I'm not a big brother anymore. I'm a baby brother again." My heart screaming, I managed to hug him and whisper, "Riley boy, you have always been a little brother and you will always be a big brother."

Riley sat quietly and seemed to think it over, "Even though Grey is in heaven?"

I choked out my reply, "He's still your little brother, even in heaven. And someday, after you have lived your life you will get to see Greyson again."

I have been amazed on several occasions, Riley's ability to express his grief, confront it and then dismiss it. This was one of those times. He reached up, hugged me, and whispered, "I miss him too Dad." Then he jumped off of my lap, "can I watch cartoons until bed?"

The next weekend, after we had come home from Greyson's memorial service, I set Grey's little blue block urn down on the coffee table. Riley placed his hand on top of it and asked, "Dad, what is this?" Nicole and I took a deep breath and explained to Riley that it was what was left of Greyson's body inside. Riley asked, "So Greyson is home?" After Nicole told him yes, Riley grabbed the urn and ran to Luke and Seth, "GUYS! Guys! Grey is home! Grey is home! I am still a big brother!" I smiled. Riley had just answered all of the questions from my family (Parents, sisters) about why we opted to have Greyson cremated. Greyson belongs at home with us. Not in some graveyard.

Inside though, my heart was weeping, my poor boys. My poor Seth, my poor Riley. Luke had known throughout Greyson's illness how sick he was, being 14, Nicole and I had decided to trust him and include him in protecting the younger boys from the stress and worry about Greyson. He had done nothing but impress me with his poise and thoughtfulness. How my boys have been forced to grow up in a way that no child should ever have to. No child should ever have to confront the death of a sibling. Children are supposed to believe that they are indestructible. It is an important developmental stage. It allows children to have the spirit of explorers and pioneers early in life. I worry that they have lost this and will be forever affected by Greyson's death.