I just got home from working all night. I'm tired, I'm in pain, I walk in the front door and it hits me in the chest. SMACK!!! Squeezing, tightening, I tried to inhale, and the python just tightens it's grip. The old worn shirt isn't comfortable today, it feels like a straight jacket. I can feel a panic attack tickling the little hairs on the back of my neck.
HELL! I was just fine two seconds before I slipped my key into the lock.
The boys are sleeping, not wanting to roll out of bed into the cold morning. Nicole forgot to turn the heat on before calling it a night. The groggy, surly bears that are Luke and Riley in the morning threaten my control on my temper. Seth, God love him, is sunshine and joy wrapped up in a spastic, hyper bottle just waiting to POP! He is so..... Seth! Most mornings I love his energy and.... Life! NOT this morning. I can feel my temper coiling like a vicious Rattlesnake just under the surface of the pool that is my specter of calm. I desperately try to grip the head of the snake as it snaps and jerks toward anyone foolish enough to approach me. I run the risk of being the next victim.
Nicole comes out of the bathroom looking for a hug, the snake jerks toward her, the tickling panic attack is cascading down my spine. All I can do is shake my head and mutter, "I'm in pain, my tooth is killing me." The truth is, if I surrender to her embrace, I will melt into a puddle of emotion. "Breathe Bill", I tell myself, "Just Breathe".
2 Months.
2 Months ago the bubble that was my world burst. My charmed, perfect life fell apart.
2 Months. 2 months since the brightest eyes this world had ever seen closed forever. Since I forgot how to breathe. Just Breathe. When did such a simple thing become so difficult, so hard?
2:08 pm on Friday December 12, 2008......
Breathe, Bill, just Breathe.....
Quotes from Sleepless in Seattle:
ReplyDeleteThis is probably something you can relate to...
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.