Absence......

The house is so quiet.

Why haven't I dreamed?

The Sunday after Grey died, I woke up around 3 am because I swore he was crying. I was at the door to his room before I realized... Oh my God!

That was the only time. Why? Was it real? Was he trying to tell me he misses me too?

I must be honest, I really don't understand. Why did he have to pay the price to wake me up to the precious nature of life? I don't get it!

I envy Nicole. She has the ability to really connect to the reality of Grey's absence. I feel as if I am stuck on the outside looking in. I miss him, but why doesn't if hurt more? Will I ever feel like myself again? I haven't been able to connect with my sadness and pain for a couple of weeks. When did I build the wall? Who knew that I was a bricklayer? I don't want to sound weird, but sometimes I want to feel the pain! This numb thing is beginning to piss me OFF! I don't want to be this emotionless Vulcan walking around. It's not helping Nicole and I relate. I find myself getting angry about the fact that she in touch with her pain and sadness.

Am I glad, no, no, relieved that Grey is gone?

Sometimes, when I get to hold one of my nieces or my nephew, or precious little Cash, my arms and chest burn. It is this weird aching sensation. And I have to force myself to let them go. What is THAT?

The house is so empty.

I miss you Grey.

Ah Da! Loves you. I know that you must be there. Be patient with me Grey, I will get through that wall.