It has been a very long day. It started at 7 am, helping Nicole and the boys get off to school. I tried to lay down for awhile and rest, but sleep wouldn't come. Too much on my mind, I guess. Here I am still awake, working the night shift.
Times like this are the hardest. I try to do things to occupy my mind, but I'm tired and I'm losing the fight. My mind has it's own ideas, Grey, Grey. Everywhere, no where, my heart is like a twenty-ton weight. My chest tightens and I can't breathe. I can feel the icy edge of a panic attack tickling the surface of my skin, goose bumps. How can it be possible? 2 months is fast approaching. I don't know how I will keep doing this. The pain and sadness is like a well-known, well worn shirt now.... It's almost a trusted friend.... With the pain I feel closer to my sweet boy, my Grey. I almost take comfort in the sadness, it and pictures are my only ties to him that are easily accessible to me. I am so tired of trying to stay positive about our loss of Grey. Sometimes I think, "If one more person tells me Grey was here for a greater purpose, I'll go mad!!!" I know that they are right, but I just want my boy, to watch him grow, learn, and become everything that I dreamed for him when he was born.
These times are so hard! I feel like such a baby!
Grey,
Daddy is so proud of you, and I miss you so much. I panic sometimes that I am forgetting what it felt like to hold you tight. Then your big brother Riley jumps up on my lap and hugs me tight! I remember that I will always have that feeling in my heart, and then it hurts more. I know that you are happy and healthy with our father, playing like you never had the chance to here. But I MISS YOU!
Love,
Ah! Da!
These times are so hard......God please help us....
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