2 Months

I never spent much time thinking about how blessed we were. I never allowed myself to stop and think about how much different our life could be. I was always focused on work, money, paying the bills, finding extra shifts for overtime and making time to play and enjoy time with the kids. We were blissful, we were happy. But there was always more. More time for.... everything....

I never stopped to think. What if there wasn't more time? What if time was short? I should have been more aware, more appreciative.

I haven't spent much time allowing myself to think in terms of regrets. I have always known that they are there, lurking behind me, darting behind the shadows, trying to sneak and worm into my mind, my thoughts, my doubts. I built my wall of bricks, memories, tears, smiles, pictures and making the most of time with the other 3 boys, to keep the ghosts of regrets away. Today, I have been overwhelmed by those ghosts, those regrets.

Regrets......

Why didn't I give Grey more kisses, why didn't I hold him more, why didn't I do more research into recessive disorders, since Seth has PKU? Why did God take him? How can I do this for the rest of my life? How can I go on living without Grey?

Melancholy, they call it. Depression. Pain. Sorrow. I have been trying to avoid these thoughts. I have been running, dodging, trying to avoid the pain, the sorrow. These feelings are like blood hounds. They never stop. They are never give up.

2 Months.

I have been unable to breathe all day. I slept, only because I took 2 Vicodin for my tooth, I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseated. The straight jacket of my sadness is very constrictive and tight today. I can't stop seeing Grey everywhere. My chest is tight.

Grey, Grey,

Mommy and your big bothers and I miss you very much. Riley was so cute today with the butterfly habitat, don't you think? He was so excited. He's already named half the caterpillars. Mommy, Seth, Riley and I played Guitar Hero tonight before bed. We had so much fun. I know you were laughing at Mommy and I. It has already been 2 months Grey. It seems like a lifetime ago. I know you are happy, and able to play now, but I miss holding you.

We love you Grey,

Ah! Da!