Normal? What's normal?....

Normal.....

I used to know the meaning of that word..

Normal for me was, work. The reason for work, my boys.

I love spending time with my kids. I can never get enough. I think I did a good job of spreading my attention between the boys. Before Grey, I was the champ of making time to play video games with all three of the boys. Especially on Tuesday's, my only night at home. Oh! Not to mention that Tuesday's where date night. I'm positive that it was a Tuesday that Grey was conceived! Heh, Heh! Nicole's blushing now.

When Grey arrived, well, that all changed. Newborns need so much one -to- one time. To the Boys credit, they got it. They were disappointed, but complaints were few. Date nights, well, they were exchanged for DUTY nights. My night to let Nicole sleep undisturbed.

I loved the routine. After all, I had been the one who wasn't ready to have all of the kids in school. I loved being Mister Mom too much! I had done more than my share of hassling Nicole into having another baby. Not that I didn't complain about no date night! I did my share of that too. Probably more than my share. Nicole was amazing! She did it all, with a husband working all the nights during the week and 32 hrs on the weekends. As we settled into the routine with a newborn, I started having more time for the other boys and Nicole and I found some time too!

It was blissful! I was giddy I was so happy! 4 Boys! I was the MAN! And the older boys were loving it too. We had more time to do the fun Dad & boys stuff. Grey would just laugh at us! He loved to sit on my lap while I played video games with his bothers, very rarely would he get fussy.

As it became obvious that Grey was very sick. I would desperately hang onto the routine. Spending time playing games with him on my lap, naps with him on the couch, tussling with his brothers, except I started holding him in my arms while I tussled. He would just crack up! Laugh and laugh! He loved it! The rougher the better!

Normal.....

I'm lost... I have to struggle to find the energy to do anything... nothing holds the same attraction anymore. I just don't have the energy to tussle anymore. The X-Box broke and was gone getting repaired for two weeks. It has been back for over a week and it took Seth getting angry at me to realize I hadn't touched it yet. Friday night before work was the first time we had played in weeks. I worry that I'm neglecting the boys. I walk around in this haze, before I realize it, I have to go to work, and another day is at a end. I have to remind myself to smile at the boys. I don't think they buy it.

Normal.....

How will anything be normal ever again?

I'm scared to look at Nicole sometimes. The distance between us sometimes, .... I think that my mere presence is painful to her ..... My selfishness has hurt her so much already.

Normal.....

Will I ever be able to take a deep breath again without the risk of losing it?

Grey, I love you my son! I miss you so much. But I would go though it all again in a second.

Love,

Ah! Da!