Reflections......

I've been spending a lot of time thinking.

I know! That's dangerous! Ha! Ha! "Laugh it up Fuzz - Ball!" (Han Solo in Star Wars)

Seriously though. I have been thinking a lot today. My thoughts are about two things in particular.

1. Did I really hear what I thought I heard early Monday morning? Was it real?

2. What was my dream? Was it my hyperactive mind trying to make sense of my nervous fear of what was going to happen at the dentist's?

How fitting that my first dream of my beautiful Greyson is on a night when my mind was so distracted by my fears of the root canal to come that I almost missed the dream altogether? Is that the key? Have I been so focused on getting some sign that he is okay that I haven't been able to see or hear what is right in front of me? How ironic is that? I would schedule a root canal everyday for the rest of my life if I got to dream of him the night before.

Was it my overactive imagination that manufactured the voice and the dream too? Was I so desperate to have some piece of him to be alive that I made these things up? I wonder.

I have spent countless hours thinking about what heaven must be like. Which in itself is weird, because I've never given it much thought. Not even when my favorite Granddaddy died, did I wonder much. Heaven was always, so...... far away. I have my whole life ahead of me, after all. Now I spend my time thinking of nothing much else. I don't read anymore, except on the Internet. And since the XBox came back from getting repaired, I've played twice. Just doesn't hold the same allure as it used too. But my thoughts take me back to wondering about heaven all the time now. What is it like? What is he doing? Can he see us? Can he hear us? How can he be happy without us? How can he be happy without ME?

I settled on a imagined solution. You know, everyone that I have expressed my disbelief that Grey can be happy in heaven without us has responded that, "He's with our Father, that's how!" Sorry, that just doesn't work for me. So my fragile mind has settled on this possible solution.

Heaven is another plane of existence, I think that we can all agree. Right? So I think that the solution for how he can be happy is that there is a see - thru wall between him and us, with this wonderful automatic door. Any time that he wants, Whish! Thru the door! Like on Star Trek! And instantly he's with us, able to touch us, hear us and smell us. We don't know that he's there because we humans just don't have the ability to process, no no, ability to sense and notice those things. This works nicely into the whole Physics thing. They are wired differently and can pick up on those "frequencies".

Was my hearing Grey say Ah! Da! evidence of this fact. Was he able to somehow break thru the barrier because I was focused on other things, scared about other things? Was he trying to reassure me that he's okay and make me feel better because he sensed my fear and nervous energy? Was my dream a further manifestation of that? Was Grey trying to make me feel better because he could feel my concern? Did my lack of focus on him weaken the barrier enough to make it possible for him to get thru?

Boy, DO I sound nuts or what?

Am I so desperate to make up this thing?

I wonder?

Grey Grey,

Daddy has had you on his mind so much lately. I miss you more everyday. If that was you Little Man, thank you! I will try to be more receptive in the future. Kisses to you Grey!

Your Daddy forever,

Ah! Da!