Stupid!
Boy, can that word describe me sometimes. I can't count the times that I have succumbed to the hypnotic allure of the behavior and actions that are described by that word. Two months ago this very day, I laid the first brick on a wall that I have been trying to fool myself into believing isn't there.
Stupid.....
I allowed myself to believe that I could walk right through that wall, just by believing that it wasn't there. And guess what? I almost made it. But as luck would have it, SMACK, I ran right into not only my wall, but Nicole's too! I allowed myself to become pushy, too cocky, too sure that I had broken thru not only my self made wall, but the one I had discovered cutting me off from getting to my wife's heart. I pushed too hard. Stupid......
Stupid.....
I let my guard down for an instant, and thought that after a night full of tears and opening up our pain for the other to feel, that I had an open invitation to put up my feet and make myself to home. And when Nicole didn't respond the way that I wanted, well, slam!! Down came the wall! How dare she push me away!
Don't I deserve affection!? Can't she give me what I need!? How dare she need something different than what I need at that moment?
I am scared. Nicole has never put a wall up between us like this before. My walls are always made with a Nicole access hatch for her to come and go as she pleases. I made the mistake after our talk and day of playful teasing of thinking that I was invited to come and go as I please too. Not so!
So here we are. It has been 2 months. It seems like 2 lifetimes ago.
Stupid....
Grey,
Daddy is sorry. I will write more later, I promise.
Love you,
Ah! Da!
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