Thanks! I'm Okay, I Promise.....

I was on my way to my parents house after getting off of work at 12 midnight last night. Nicole called me, just to check on me. We chit - chatted for couple of minutes, then she told me that some of you that follow my blog are getting quite worried about the Billman.

She said that my blogs of late have been a bit on the, Hmmmm, dark side? I think that was the word she used. Yep! I sure of it. She mentioned that some our friends had mentioned that they are concerned about how sad I sound in many of my blogs and I was in need of someone to talk to. "WELL!", I snapped, "Then I just won't blog anymore!"

Poor Nicole.

She is the sun in our relationship. Just in case some of you haven't yet come to that realization. She is the one that always sees the good. The joy. The bright sunlight!

So.

Today in the slow moments at work, I reread some of my blogs. And everyone is right. If I were reading that and I was someone who cared about me, I would be FREAKING!

Therefore, I think that I need to take a few minutes to reassure everyone including me, that I'm doing okay. Not great, but okay.

I will admit to feeling very much like the statue of Atlas, straining to bear up under the strain of my grief about Grey's death. I have been affected much more deeply than I imagined. That is the reason that I even started to blog in the first place. I hadn't started blogging. I didn't think that sharing my feelings was a good idea. Nicole started her blog Grey's Gift the week before we lost Grey, and it really seemed to be helping her to deal with all of the waves of emotions. I also, was benefiting from her blog. It helped me to understand what she was thinking and feeling. That was ultimately what made me decide to start a blog too.

I work a lot of nights and weekends in my job. This means that not only am I away from Nicole and the boys a lot when they have down time, but that I also have a lot of time on my hands at night when my clients are sleeping. Time that is quite, lonely, and difficult.

These times are when I can't occupy my mind well. These are the times that Grey's memory and the grief of his death overwhelm me. If you look at the times that I am able to blog you will see that I have turned to this venue to console myself and work my way through my feelings. Many of my blogs are at the 1,2,3,4 o'clock in the morning or first thing after I have gotten home after a long shift and can't sleep. During the down times on my long 16 and 17 hour shifts on the weekends, when I miss Nicole, the boys, and most of all Grey.

So please My Dearest Friends and Family, don't worry too much about me.

I'm okay, I promise......