I really thought that I had turned a corner after my dream about Grey.... After last night..... I'll tell you, I was wrong. It was a bad night. Every time that I stopped moving or occupying my mind, pictures of Grey's last day of life flashed into focus. My best friend, my worn comfy shirt settling in snug as ever, squeezing my heart and threatening my ability to keep moving. I feel like a fugitive on the sly, trying not to go back to the slammer. If I stop to breathe, the assault team that is my pain will slam down the full weight of my grief squarely onto my shoulders, it threatening to crush me.
I have always tried to be a patient person with others, not objects, but other people certainly. Especially family. I must accept the truth, I am failing that goal completely now days. I find that I am a extremely snappy person these days. Very slow to react to the coiling vipers that are my temper, to stop them before they lunge forward. To my great shame and horror my Darling Wife and children are bearing the brunt of this, my short-coming.
Will I ever regain my ability to be understanding and patient with others?
Will I ever be able to take a deep breath without pain or fear that I will fall apart?
Will I ever remember, or experience joy and happiness again?
I wonder.......
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