Oh! Man

I have been working all weekend.

The times that I stay busy are so refreshing. With my mind filled, I don't think of Grey. But he is always there. He is my first thought when I awake, the last as I drift off to sleep. I try to find things to do that are constructive, email to people and shows about Grey's story, brain storm about our attempts for legislation with my sister Adrienne, read Nicole's blog, look at pictures. I even try to lose myself in strategy games.

Nothing works for long.

Don't get me wrong, I still have 3 wonderful, healthy boys, and I thank God for them every day. But they are hurting too. I worry about them, look at all the trouble I'm having dealing with this. The desire of a parent, no the being of a parent is to protect our children.

At this I am a failure.

I couldn't stop Grey's disease. I couldn't protect my boys from losing their little brother. I can't protect them from the pain of his absence.

I have learned one brutal truth... We mere humans have no control over anything! And as a control freak, I am FREAKING OUT!!!!!

I have always prided myself on providing for my family, protecting them, raising my boys, and showing them the love and joy of life. I have been filleted! I had to face the reality of the fact that Grey's illness had the potential to ruin us financially. PROTECT THEM? HA! Raising my boys?

Grey is dead.

The only one that I still hold hopes of accomplishing is showing my boys love and the joy of life. And mostly Grey has shown me how to do that. He was always happy and glad to awaken. He loved his family and he loved life.

I promise Grey, I was paying attention. I'm just have trouble working thru the pain and sadness. I will NEVER quit, Little Man! Never!

I miss you Grey.

I miss your smell, your hair, your smile, your kisses!

I love you.

Ah Da.